Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


I can almost never blog when I'm tired, like I am now. All I can think about is how I need to crawl into that bed that is seducing me and how I have to wake up in an hour to go back to work. 'Back to work?!' you say? Yes, back on the train for 45mins to train one client for one hour and then back on that train for another 45mins. Roughly 3 hours out of my day for $23.50. And improv 101 is over so I have no class tonight and that upsets me. And I'm sure you've guessed correctly that my lovah is gone. It's a sad week but I am on a mission to sign up for improv 201 as soon as new non-sold-out classes become available. I'm addicted......we all are.

Nap time.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Much needed Improvement

So, I'm sorry I can't dedicate much time to the art of blogging but my lovah is here and being back in lovah-ville has revived my spirits some. I think I like this city a whole lot more when he's in it. Today we're going to the Mythical creatures exhibit at the Natural History Museum. hooray for dragons and unicorns!!! and then tonight is Improv....a good day, I say.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Woman's Worth

I got called into the Big Boss' office last night. He wants to help....he didn't 'come down' on me and when i told him I was thinking of quiting he talked me out of it. I'm gonna guess that's a good thing. I'm going to guess that he wants to encourage me. He told me he would work with me....Help me pick up my business. I'm 'under-performing' as they say. I still feel like a failure. I'm a good trainer, all my clients repurchase their packages with me but why can't I just get more clients? I'm not ballsy and talkative like all the other trainers. I can't just walk up to anyone working out and say 'hey, can I show you a different exercise?' or, 'Can I show you the correct way to do this exercise?'. why? why do i feel like that's being pushy? is it? What do you guys think? Why am I so shy in real life...yet, I want to perform for a living?
I don't want to quit until I've done really well there. I feel like if I quit now I would have failed by not having faith in myself. I'm so tired of giving up. I feel like I do it all the time. I feel like I underestimate myself and that I walk around with unhealthy amounts of modesty. Why should I keep believing that everyone else is better than me? Why should I even be comparing myself to anyone? Why can't I just say I am going to be on Broadway one day and actually believe that? Or that I'm going to be a really popular trainer and maybe be a celebrity trainer?
I'm so mad at myself for all the low expectations I've had for my talents and abilities my whole life. And it existed everywhere....high school, theatre school, dance classes.......I just walk in tall and proud and walk out discouraged, already telling myself "I'm not going to make it, why bother?" well, I'm here aren't i???!! In New York! So I better get over this!!
I'm so sick of my lack of faith in myself. All those times anyone has ever complimented me I have never heard them. I really always told myself they were just being nice or they have to say that because they are my friend. What is that about??

Step number 1 - Learn how to take a compliment and believe it.

Step number 2 - Put my heart and soul into whatever I do and do not be afraid of the outcome. No more running from failure or the fear of it.

Somebody PLEASE slap me in the face.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


HA! I just finished reading everyone's blogs and I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted. I knew I wasn't alone but now it's nice to get a reminder. I know my struggles and funks and lack of motivation are not my own.
I let it out today. I had the "I haven't achieved anything great or anything to be really proud of and recognised for in 3 years" cry. The 'i feel so sorry for myself' bawl.
Everything I want to achieve is only attainable through parting with large amounts of money. I need new headshots. I need a vocal coach because I have not sung through or collected any new repertoire in a gazillion years. I need acting classes because I don't have monologues to audition with. I WANT to spend this money....I just simply do not have it. Why is it that actors have to spend so much money only to TRY and get a job that may not even pay them at all!!!??? What cruel people invented this scam and who on earth decided that the job of an actor is not worth a decent living? And my current job is not providing the way I need it to.
Why on EARTH did I think this was going to be easier than it is??? Did I really just think I was going to stroll into any audition any day of the week? I mean, I knew it wouldn't be THAT easy but what was I thinking??? I'm afraid to know what kind of state I'd be in right now if it weren't for these improv classes........

I found out an ex of mine is in a real relationship. Like a committed one. He's not just sleeping around anymore. It made me really upset at first......but then I was ok. At first I didn't want to know anything and then something inside me shifted and I felt comfortable with it. I wanted to know about her and how it was going. And then he told me he wasn't sure about her but that she was pretty far in and serious about him. I could recognise by the way he spoke about her that he just wasn't entirely sure. He said he loved her but that he didn't know if he really wanted it. Then he told me it wasn't anything like he had felt for me. And I could honestly tell it was hard for him to say that. This made me feel both secretly happy... then.... sad. And then I felt slightly empty. I allowed my mind to take me back to our days together and then instantly removed myself. I realised I had been through too much to wish for that ever again. That in reality, I had moved so far beyond the days of 'us' that it would be impossible to ever go back there. I know this is nothing new and that this is what it's supposed to feel like, but I'm glad I finally recognised this. That made me happy. And yet, I feel dark inside. And he feels further away than ever.

I also love the fall. I think I feel my sexiest in the fall. I'm not sweaty or clammy....I'm not overly shiny. My face is not breaking out. I'm cool and comfortable and I can walk with a certain spring in my step. I can easily fain confidence and by doing this I can stumble upon the real deal. And we all know. I can wear brown and burnt orange and they look good on me. I love the fall.

but seriously folks.......thank the lord for the Upright Citizen's Brigade Improv 101 on Tuesday nights with Lennon Parham. Wooweee!

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I miss you all incredibly. Like really a lot. My life here hasn't changed that much since I last blogged. It feels better here, I know that. The improv classes and the new friends along with that have helped immensely. My job is still difficult but I'm thinking I might quit before Christmas and go back to school here in January. Who knows.... the Lovah is supposed to get here in January. And he's also coming up in a couple weeks for my birthday week...I'm looking forward to that. We have our last improv class that week and then a final show. It actually makes me really sad. I plan on continuing on with the next level though; it's been such a great class and group and instructor.

I'm sorry, I'm so tired and have so much crap to take care of in the morning! BLECH! REAL blog coming soon.....I promise!

Friday, August 17, 2007


Please go see "Superbad". Please. Do it for me.

aaaaahhh! I'm back! and I guess I have so much to say I dont know where to start.
Good things are happening. The fringe is in full swing and I'm going to see a fellow Randolph grad tomorrow as I am seeing her beau in a rock version of 'a winter's tale'. this makes me happy.
I started my improv classes last tuesday and they are a BLAST. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Oh wait, 4th term Shakespeare. I recall laughing hard then.
Anyway, taking this class has changed my whole perspective of the city. I really needed to tear down those walls of inhibition that had so rudely been built around me over the last 3 months.
I also visited the whitney museum last friday with a friend and was so glad to finally get myself to a museum! It was the 'summer of love' exhibit so I got to experience all kinds of psychedelic art in it's various forms. As well as photos of the stones, janis, jimi, the grateful dead......many in which we see these artists at their best: ingesting hallucinogenic drugs. crazy days. but it was a cool reminder of such a inhibition-less era. here we see everyone rebelling the social and sexual morales of the 50's and setting aside almost 2 full decades of debauchery and political demonstration. there were some graphic videos being shown.........i'll just say 'orgy' and let you use your imagination. I don't know that I would have fared so well as a Haight-Ashbury hippy.

i have missed this. I will continue catching up on all your blogs over the weekend. kisses!!!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Peace in Dreams

I wake up this morning after a beautiful night's sleep. I don't have these 10 and 1/2 hour, sound-asleep, nights often. No, they are seldom found and it's not normal that i wake up feeling as though I have been visited by angels, gurus and prophets all night, all telling me the same thing.
I slept through the whole night and went through a journey of dreams. The last one that sent me into my waking state went something like this........

Here we are. All of you. All of US who went to school together, back in class. Returning for the so-called 7th and 8th term. The two terms where we all rejoin after a few years of figuring it out. We all reunited in a large studio and began to play. Under the guidance of Darlene we began to let loose, laugh, embrace and smile. The kind of smile you can't wipe off your face. There they were, the same two boys who were always kissing in the hallway, back in their familiar embrace.....there was a particular lady who's favorite song was 'notice me horton' belting out her tune once again. But we were different. We were smarter. We were more mature and we were happy to be there. I, in particular, was ecstatic to be back.
So I wake up and know now what to do. I will go now and finally purchase those improv classes online I've been waiting to see if i can afford. Who cares if it leaves me with a mere $300 in my bank account? Money will come back someday. Nobody is going to kick me out or let me go hungry. I will be responsible, but I also will be responsible for my own happiness.
I will sign up for classes at HB studio in September. I will do what makes me....well, ME.

Saturday, July 07, 2007


I don't even know what to make of my relationship anymore. what do you do if you don't know how to fix it?
cos i don't.
i'm so lost.
my head hurts and my hands shake.
and all that happens is miscommunication.
word after word, frustration just intensifies until you want to step away.
just to see what it looks like...cos you don't know anymore.
like when you get ready and then step in front of a full-length mirror to check how it all fits together.
but my mirror is all blurry and i think i see a crack.

Friday, June 29, 2007

24 hours later and I already feel better

So in the last 24 hours i made a new friend whom is now going to be a lifelong friend. She's staying here while my brother and his girlfriend are away. She's friends with them because she's done shows with my brother and has also worked under his girlfriend's direction. So last night we hung out and.....i must say, i haven't had that much fun with another person in a while. we laughed and discovered, instantly, that we have the same sense of humour. she just moved to the city 2 weeks ago to pursue her theater career. hurray for theater friends! we put our silly photos on facebook too.........

also, today at work, i was joking around a whole lot with the other trainers, retelling funny stories and being a little wacky and all of them told me I should be part of an improv/comedy troupe.
I was surprised because I didn't think I was being all that funny. honestly. But it made me feel great....and for the first time since i've been here, I can see it happening. It feels like something i can pursue and fulfill. I have faith and having new funny friends to collaborate with makes me feel that much more excited and secure.

AND on top of this, i got a response from the gym I sent my resume to. They want to meet me asap to discuss my options with them. If i can learn new skills and work a few more hours a week somewhere I will feel so much better. It's days like this that remind me of why I'm here and what I want from this city.

Productivity does come with rewards. and they feel really good.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Making use of my time

I've jumped on the 'be productive in your spare time' band wagon. I hope I don't fall off.

I've been meaning to find a second job to help pay for the bills and I just applied for a position with Dog Walkers NYC (FUN FUN FUN!!!!) and for an internship that leads to work within a small fitness club that's geared toward me learning and teaching new group fitness classes. Including a cardio dance class. Now, I could teach a killer cardio dance class!!! Whatever that may be.

I wonder how many other thousands of people applied for these very two things today. More than I wish to know, I'm sure.

Oh well, the effort counts for something right? At least it eases my mind a bit.


I'm HOT. This city is HOT.

I'm fucking HOT! And when you're this HOT you're not HOTT.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The computer made me do it!

I'm not sure how it happened. I had a long break at work today and nothing else to do. and that computer in the fitness assessment room was looking lonely. I sat down and it started talking to me....taunting me, if you will...."It's tiiiime to geeet facebook, LOOOOSER! Just DO IT already!"

"Leave me alone! Stop it! I already have myspace! Just let me check my e-mail!"

"Do you know how many people are a part of this network? Come on...all your BLOGGER friends do it. Don't you even want to know what it's like? To share that in common?"

"But when will I have the time? The energy?"


"ummm...........well, maybe i'll just have a sneakpeak"

And that was that. Facebook and I became acquainted. I hope we can be civil with one another.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Learn to Wake-up

Unlock your head,
Loosen the rein,
Find your soul,
Find your brain.

Boggle your mind,
Invite confusion.
Persuade perplexity,
Welcome illusion.

Your mind in a muddle,
Your cerebrum in overdrive,
Stop for a minute.......
Feel your thoughts alive.

Be aware of this earth,
Of the other lives.
Parallel breath,
Coincidental cries.

Brainstorm for peace,
Plan for progression,
Just find a way
To fight the regression.

This life lacks empathy,
So find your supply,
Think of our future
Don't let it run dry.

So think long and hard
What can you do?
Educate others but
First Educate You.

Insight is the new intelligence.
Confuse yourself,
Then find Relevance.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Escape to Lovahville

Sorry. But I had a fantastic excuse for not blogging. My lovah was in town.

And it was marvelous. This is because when we are together we are brilliant. And when he leaves, I cry. Every time. I pull myself back together the day after he leaves and then pray that the next 6 weeks apart don't lead to late night arguments and mis-construed text messaging.

I would love it if they could just bottle up this feeling I have right now, these feelings of extreme satisfaction, adoration, security and excitement for the future, and drink it whenever I feel the strain of the distance pulling my insides apart.

I MUST remember this and hold onto it. 2 hours after he arrived, and I couldn't believe the past arguments and hurtful words we had hurled at one another while we were apart. It didn't make sense and I vowed that I loved him far too much for these unnecessary conflicts to arise again.

He's such a good man.....A rare gem in a ransacked cavern.

The more men I meet in this city, the more I appreciate him and everything about him.

*Sigh* Oh lovah........

Sunday, June 10, 2007

But seriously folks....

Since I can only really afford to take one class a week, I can't decide whether to do a music/voice one, an acting one or an improv/comedy one.

Who am I kidding? I desperately need to set the more serious stuff aside for a minute and get silly.

And I intend on coming down with a ferocious case of the sillies every Tuesday night for 3 hours this summer.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Fortunate to be Grateful

I really don't have anything in particular to blog about. Nothing extraordinary or exciting has happened. I haven't made any new revelations. I'm still working a lot.
But.....I have gotten to know some co-workers better. On a deeper level.
One woman I work with whom I get along with swimmingly told me some information about her past that was somewhat devastating. She has three beautiful children and a wonderful husband and for nine years they had lived in a great apartment over in brooklyn. Their super-intendant was like an uncle. Well, one day, her youngest baby got sick. Like really sick. Like he couldn't stand up, couldn't see, was having trouble breathing so she got him to the hospital as quick as she could.
The doctors hooked him up to all kinds of machines....trying to pump this toxic substance out of his system. "What has your son been exposed to??" they kept asking. "I don't know! What do you mean?" Then it dawned on her. That black stuff that kept resurfacing on the walls and windows. The stuff she kept cleaning. Mold. The deadliest kind.
They weren't allowed to even set foot back in that building again. They had been told that every last one of their exposed belongings was toxic and unless they wanted to risk their health/lives everything would have to be left behind.
So that was that. They left nine years of life behind and walked away with the clothes on their backs. Not to mention that now they have to get regular check-ups. The dr.'s even said their children now ran risk of brain damage and being infertile.
Can you imagine?? I can't. I had no idea. And now when her youngest son struggles in school she asks herself, is this a result?
And on the same day I had this conversation with her, I had a talk with one of the guys I work with. he's great. A good guy from virginia. From richmond. Not the safest city in the world. You take one look at him and, because of the way society has labeled people who look like him, you may think 'thug'. He's tatooed all over, he's muscular and he dresses a certain way. I know him and all I see is the guy who gives. The guy who tells it like it is, doesn't put up with shit, but is kind and treats people with the respect they deserve.
But that day we talked and I heard exactly what kind of fucked up shit he's seen and been through. Like when his best friend got shot seven times. Right in front of his face.
Or when his baby brother was pulled out of his house and shot right in front of his mother.
Ok, I usually don't cry when people tell me about the hardships they've been through but I had tears streaming down my face.
It was just so raw. So real.
He was a drug dealer...made shit loads of money. been to jail twice.
But now, it's all in the past. He turned it all around. He's an AMAZING trainer. And he is who he is. and I love that about him.

It's amazing how humbling it is to hear these things.

It doesn't make any sense for me to complain about anything.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Ugly thoughts, BE GONE!!!!

Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. A relationship begins. They fall in love. This particular girl is blonde and very fair. Boy tells girl at beginning of relationship that he's not usually attracted to women who look like her. Blondes. He is attracted to darker skin, darker eyes, hair. Girl finds out he also has a specific attraction to women of a certain race. The physical characteristics of this race are very far from her own. At first she doesn't give it a second thought. She is beautiful in her own way and is comfortable with herself. She feels sexy. Confident.
THEN. Then the relationship gets deeper. Boy loves girl very much and girl knows this. Girl falls harder for boy.
HOWEVER.... inadequacies begin to surface. She begins to feel unattractive to him. Not always. And not too often. But she remembers those words. She compares herself to women he may prefer physically over her.
But she also realises this is CRAZY. And she buries those ridiculous thoughts. As quickly as she can.



But they always come back.

She wants them gone.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

What basket do these eggs go in?

I went home for four days. I returned to this HOT, SWELTERING city yesterday and I cried. I felt like I was finally granting freedom to the tears of self-pity. Unnecessary tears maybe, but perhaps vital to preparing myself for the road ahead once more.
I loved being home. I loved being in the arms of my lovah, not having to work, seeing familiar faces and breathing fresh ocean air. I came back and felt like I was going to choke. My life here is not bad, it's just a lot of work and no play/pay. No creative outlets. I now realise why I've been baking so much here. I need to create SOMETHING.

I had a talk with my brother's girlfriend today and she helped me realise that I should allow room in my schedule for the creativity I'm seeking. yes, I write, I bake, I read. I let my imagination run wild but I need something even more practical and hands on. i need those classes I've been postponing. I need those people. Those people a little more like me. I need to be silly and weird and watch others do the same.

I don't want to keep focusing on this one career. What I need is right under my nose, I just need to make the time and do it.

PS I really miss my lovah. I thought leaving each time would get easier, but no. not at all. hurts just as much as the first time.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

How not to be miserable

Ok unhappy fellow bloggers........this is what I think.

I think we're in that awkward stage of our 20's where we're feeling lost.... Wandering in a sea of people and jobs and career choices and bad credit and not getting the opportunities we think we deserve. yes? well maybe except for swiss miss.
but anyway, regardless, life is tough. it takes a toll on us. we get drunk and we see glimpses of happiness and dreams waiting to be fulfilled. we work hard and are underpaid and we have huge ambitions ye we seem to be lacking the knowledge and experience needed to really grab a hold of these ambitions.
maybe i'm wrong.
but what i DO know is, is that we must not feel sorry for ourselves. we must not get lost in this confusion and instability. it's so easy to do and then somewhere down the line we end up seeing therapists and popping zoloft and wellbutrin XL.
I will tell you what has happened to me. I decided that i would go into work everyday and have fun, laugh, be kind to people and SMILE. and you know what? When you exude those things you get those things returned, and it feels great. You know what people at work have said about me? I'm not tooting my own horn but everyone i work with loves me. they all say things like 'we all love you here. you come in with this beautiful energy and we're so happy you work here.' or 'i want to give you this client because he/she requested someone with a fun personality/character.' or as i'm walking by, being silly i hear, 'damn i love that chick'. these things make me feel GREAT and my mood only improves. because i know i'm awesome. i know that on the inside there is a beautiful person just waiting to be let out everyday. let yourself be perceived as the person you know you are inside, regardless of all the shit that's getting you down. until something truly awful happens to you, wash your morning uglies down with a delicious cup of coffee/tea/tasty treat of your choice and show the world who you are.

i've been doing it for weeks and the results are astounding.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Keeping It Together

Um......why am I here again? Why am I working my butt off and spending all my time on one pursuit and getting paid nothing? What am I doing next?
So remember how my lovah was moving here in January? Well, now it's been brought to my attention that it's not, in fact, a definite plan. He's having a hard time figuring it out financially....I suppose I should have prepared myself for this possibility. How do you keep going when the future that once looked so clear has fogged up? I REALLY thought it was there, just waiting for us. I thought all we had to do was get to January and we would be in the clear. and then we would begin the real decision making; get to the core of all other details affecting our life and our future....while at the same time, getting started on this beautiful co-existence we've talked about. I am so scared now. I don't know what to do or how to go about talking to him. I'm so upset. But I know the possibility that he will get here is still there so it's really too early to lose hope. But we all hate looking forward to something and planning for something only to be disappointed. And this would end up being the biggest disappointment of my life, so far. And there's no protecting yourself from something like this. I just have to keep myself together. Keep going. Try to convince myself that nothing has changed and don't let the sadness set in until/if I hear the words, 'I'm not coming'.
He told me last night when we started arguing that I sound like I've turned into a 'city person'. That I 'was cold'. That hurt my feelings. That's not true. I'm sad. When I'm on the verge of tears I have to put up a wall. I have to back off. Hold it in. But we all know this is only a temporary solution. The dam did break and I lost myself over the edge.
Something in me is still aching and is trying to recover. When are they going to make Tylenol for Heart Ache? I suppose that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

I want to forget.

I choose to have a good day. The weather has already given me a push in the right direction. My mood must be parallel to the sun, warmth and blue sky. That is who I am.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It's hump day

I'm not sure there's much to say. The Tribeca film festival has been in full swing for a week. That's neat since I work in Tribeca. It's fun. Some days they give out free popcorn on the street. Some days Freddie Prince Jr works out at the gym. he's cute. that's nice. I'm still poor. I want to see a movie. I want some money. I eat a lot here. I'm always hungry. I feel like I'm constantly moving all day long. Maybe that explains the hunger. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off but instead, I'm working from 10-4. I'm getting tired. I have a cold/cough. 3 people at my job got fired this week. i took a great yoga class today.
I'm still happy. I intend to stay that way.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Here's what's new, Mr. Magoo........

NYC Update..........

I am officially broke! WHOO HOO!!! I had 100 dollars to last until my next paycheck which is next friday, the 4th, but now that is gone. now i do not have enough money for rent and will either a) have to ask my parents for money which i haven't done since my toronto days and DO NOT want to have to do again or b) hope that my brother has enough money to pay my portion of the rent until friday. yuck.

I hate not having money. but you know what??? I actually don't care that much. I'm in NYC and i have a job and i will make money soon. it takes way too much to stress about this. I'm too happy to be here to worry.

I went out with my work buds on thursday night to this little club in Greenwhich village and finally got my butt moving on a dance floor. that was a revival of the spirit. i needed that. i suffered through the next morning at work happily knowing that i had done the right thing by going out and socializing. It was actually awkward at know, that first time going out with people you've just met. unsure of what it's like out of the work setting......but then once everyone had a couple drinks it was great. a much needed release.

on the way to the club that night a man in my subway car had a huge, live snake around his neck. i was far enough away that i knew this snake posed no risk to me but it was hilarious to see the faces of people around him when they noticed what it was that was poking it's head out of his jacket.
Everyday on the subway is an experience in itself.

OH! one of the lovely girls i work with, who also comes from a dance background, has given me a ticket to see the New York City ballet perform Romeo and Juliet with her tomorrow night. I am so psyched. it's going to be so romantic!! Just sitting in the Lincoln center is something to look forward to. i love that place.

I just love this city.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Solitaire is boring.

Ok so you know how before when I said i was enjoying my alone time and that it felt good?
Ya, Scratch that. Now that the weather is getting really, really nice I regret turning down plans with people for the last two weeks. This weekend has been lonely. Walking through SoHo and watching everyone and their mother on the street shopping, eating and drinking on crowded outdoor patios.... everyone laughing, buying up local art and summer clothing, walking hand in hand. Was I the ONLY one walking alone? I feel so isolated all of a sudden.

Today I made a point to make plans with people at work.....I WILL say yes when I'm asked to go out. No more being lazy. No more worrying about how long my commute home will be at the end of the night. Live a little. You're in New York City for goodness sake! I wish I had met up with Neenia today but i was so far from mid-town with laundry going and a dog to walk. Booooooooo! That makes me sad.

Now, of course, I would be ready to make plans now that I have 100 dollars to get me through 2 weeks. That depresses me but I'm determined to make it work and not get down about it by taking advantage of free NYC events. They're everywhere. Many people take advantage of these.

Maybe, I'm not alone....But I am.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Playing Solitaire

I love that I spend so much time on my own here. I hated it at first. But now I love it, I look forward to it. But not in a loner kind of way. In more of a contemplative, relaxing, nobody to please/impress/entertain, hear my own thoughts, kind of way.

I stayed home with a glass of wine and 'the last kiss' in the dvd player last night. The movie made me cry. The movie made me miss my lovah. The movie made me happy that my lovah is my lovah. The movie made me shed grateful tears. Again I realise, I am lucky; incredibly thankful.

I had a good night on my own last night. But it would have been a great night had my lovah been there. I do not like sleeping on my own.

I love being alone WITH my lovah.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Perfect Fit

Something's changing. Something feels different. Maybe 'different' is the way it's meant to feel. Maybe 'different' is actually the REAL me. Maybe I'm getting to know myself better. I'm becoming more intuitive. Maybe being off that birth control pill has helped me fit back into my own skin again.

I like how this feels.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

I clicked "New Post"

I clicked New Post with nothing in mind to write about......I clicked, I waited for the page to load...

new post, new post, new post....what should i blog about? it's been so long.....

Life is getting better. I don't have a real plan, who am i kidding? And for the first time in my life, that's ok. I have loose plans....loose goals, yet the drive increases. Loose plans and loose goals don't mean laziness or uncertainty, they just mean 'When the time is right'. And right now, the time is right to sit in what I'm doing, absorb it, learn more about it, meet people and continue on my way. Slowly but surely make my move into acting classes, auditions, workshops....but don't put that relentless pressure on myself like I'm known for. Just relax. Just appreciate. Just breathe. Really. I've underestimated the importance of my own breath.

I'm meeting more people, forging new friendships and going in to work most days makes me happy....Makes me feel connected and part of something I want to be part of. I'm working my way up from the bottom, learning everyday and I'm finally ok with taking it slow; Knowing that months from now I will have moved in a better place. And that years from now I will not look back and say why didn't i just take my time?

My parents are visiting now. It can be a nightmare but I love having them here. Yesterday was a Saturday and being in Times Square with two aging tourists was hard. not gonna lie. I despise times square. my mom took me to see 'the drowsy chaperone". that was cute but nowhere near inspiring. still a little shocked it won the Tony, but anyway.....

I'm reading a triumphant memoir right now about a man who got into a terrible car accident at age 13, lost both his father and sister and survived with his brother and mother but became paralysed from the chest down. he goes on to discover yoga in his later years and finally brings some sense of awareness back into his body and mind. he transforms his mind/body connection and eventually becomes a yoga teacher. he's amazing. it could easily fall into the depressing but it's moving and heroic and makes you think again about the gifts we have been given. I try to give myself a daily dose of perspective. It's essential for my survival in this

And that's my New Post.