Today's Confession.

You'll all be proud to know that I went to see "the holiday" yesterday.

You'll be even more proud to know that I balled my eyes out and actually had to place two hands tightly and securely over my mouth to prevent the sounds of my hyper-ventilation from being released and, possibly, overheard.

There, I said it.

Cheers to friends and quitting your job!

I'm feeling better. A lot better. I think it has to do with the fact that one of my very mostest bestest friends came home on the weekend for christmas and she has helped me regain my sanity and personable persona. I AM fun, and funny, and light-hearted. She's in musical theatre too and is at the Royal Scottish Academy in Glasgow and I was so jealous when she was telling me about her classes and assignments. I want to do it again.

Also, my lovah and I had a talk on sunday and he asked me if i was sub-consciously trying to sabotage the relationship. hmmm. I told him no, because I love him and I'm scared. I'm scared he'll leave me, he'll find someone else, he'll forget about me....all that ridiculous bullshit. he assured me that, "No. I have made a commitment to you and that's the end of it. I'm going to suffer when you leave, big time, and I don't want you to go, but I can't let it get to me because I have decided I am with you. I have made the commitment and I'm sticking to it."
That made me feel a little (a lot) better. He also said if the next four weeks were going to be like the last, this obviously wasn't going to work. well, so far we've made it to Wednesday with nuthin but sweet, sweet lovin. we love eachother, we want to stay together so why not try to make it work?

Taxi drivers here SUCK. I was parallel parking on a one-way, rather narrow street and a huge motherfucker bus of a taxi tries to overtake me while I'm parking???!!! NO! Of course he slammed into me, of course I got a dent and scratch in my car and of course he proceeds to YELL at me and tell me it's MY fault!!! well, my lovah called the police to get them to sort it out and they reassured me he was in the wrong. It's called driving without due-care you arsehole! Ha, and can u believe he has the audacity to tell me he wants to take me to court? who are you? why are you on crack?

Speaking of crack, this guy that all the girls who work at the coffee shop know, came into the coffee shop and used one of our metal spoons to heat up his heroine in our bathroom. he didnt even dispose of his syringe wrapping properly. It freaked me out. he's been battling with drug addiction for years, off and on, and I was sad today when I discovered he was ill again. How do you do that to yourself? The image of injecting a potent drug into your own veins just makes me feel weak all over. I guess that's what addiction becomes: a weakness. I know i can't help, but i wish i could.

hey, did you all know that I finish my job on saturday??! no more barrista life for me! no, no, no! I'm on the up and up now.......

Shock Therapy Candidate

How do you know when it's time to seek professional help for your unhappiness? no, seriously. i am in a constant state of high blood pressure, feeling uneasy, shaky and like my heart is on overdrive. I'm experiencing anxiety attacks and sudden outbursts of unnecessary crying. For the first time in my life, I literally feel psychotic. It's only in matters of lovah-ville when i feel this way but these feelings come about for no reason at all. we'll be getting along just fine but then at a cocktail party he talks to the same girl for a little too long and a little too intensely, and I wanna scream and throw roast ham in his face. How does one justify that? Obviously, I didn't act on those impulses and never will, but I ignored the woman when she tried to talk to me and shot both of them a rather nasty look. WHO AM I????? She's not a threat, she goes out with a friend of his and they've all known each other for much longer than I've been about.

Then last night, I was babysitting for my boss' lovely son and had asked my lovah if he wanted to hang out with us (at least a week beforehand) and he had said he would. I was all excited because I had all these xmas craft ideas planned and we were going to have a good old time. A few hours before I went over he said he would come by......almost 3 hours into my babysitting I still hadn't heard from him. I asked him what he had been doing and he says, oh, just goofing around at home.
"oh, ok.....that's sounds like more fun than hanging out with me" ??????????

I was disappointed and mad. With reason? I'm not sure but I've been upset about it all weekend. childish? Perhaps, but i can't seem to help any of these feelings. I don't like myself, I feel so unstable.


WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!!!! Am I turning into the crazy girlfriend?????????!!!!!!!!

And again.

More arguments... More of me feeling like I'm a maniacal, emotional slob of a girlfriend. I was more unstable yesterday than I have been in a loooong time. I think it was a purging of all that has happened and all that is to become reality. I cried so much yesterday that i simply cannot shake the resultant headache today. My head has been throbbing for a notable portion of my day; it was only at my physiotherapist's office, when she popped those acupuncture needles in my back, that it briefly sub-sided, but mere minutes later it returned with scornful ferocity.

Our problems have yet to be resolved and, quite frankly, I have no more arguing energy left in me. He hates it too, so why is it still happening? I acknowledge the strain of our forthcoming separation and we've talked about it enough that this shouldn't be such an unremitting problem... And yet, here it is, manifesting itself almost daily.

Well, I'm starting a new life in January and if he wants to remain a part of it and vice versa then we'll just have to work at it. And if NOT, i'm gonna be taking improv classes at the Upright Citizen's Brigade, so what do i have to complain about????!!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now, if i had you funny talented blogger friends in those classes with me, I could assure you we would be on the road to creating something GENIUS and we would all have 8-pack abs from all the laughing. i miss laughing with you guys. Real, gut-busting, can't-even-get-a-breath-in, type of laughing........

HISSSSSssssssss.....

Screw you, AKINSTOO, screw you, BLUE!

Maybe he doesn't 'get' me?

As soon as I raise my voice to him, he tells me I'm being "snappy". Honestly, he makes me feel like my passion has no validation and that I'm some kind of child. And then when he does the same thingto me, and i point it out to him, he tells me he's not and that I do it more than him anyway. CHILDISH much? It pisses me off. We argue weekly and it's always stupid and shitty and over such dumbass crap that even we don't know what we're arguing about half the time. (wow, that sentence makes me sound real smart)

Is this going to work when I leave?

BAH HUMBUG

Grrrr......!!!!

I am officially physically falling apart. I messed my back up real bad at the gym earlier this week and it still hurts to walk and prevents me from a good night's sleep. I'm seeing someone on Tuesday but it doesn't seem soon enough.

I have another UTI which is painful and inconvenient. This has been a recurrent, chronic problem for me this year and my doctor seems to think it's due to an anatomy abnormality. does that mean I'm deformed? I don't want them anymore! I'm so good about keeping myself healthy, I just don't get it!

And now my lovah thinks i'm a hypochondriac! I'm not! I AM in pain, I AM suffering from health ailments. I'm NOT overreacting! How dare you accuse me of such?! Empathy, compassion? ya, thanks.

AND I now have to get dressed up and look pretty for a corporate function and I feel like poop. One of my best girlfriends asked me to come to her office Xmas party weeks ago and, at the time, I was excited by the thought of spending time with her, having a free dinner and drinks and looking pretty. Now I just can't muster the energy to do any of it. I could only bend over and paint two toenails until my back said NO more. Why don't I have a personal pedicurist on call like J-LO?
well, perhaps I should go get ready now. I have 20 minutes.
FUCK BALLS.

Afraid of Change

Um....has anyone here signed up for that 'new' version of blogger? should i do it? I'm scared. I don't want it to be different....I don't think I can cope with too much change.

WHAT DO I DO????