Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Home of the FRAGGLES!

I feel like I have not been here in so long! I have been frantically trying to catch up on my blog reading; all of you have so many wonderful blogs!!! Signing into blogger this morning was like waking up on Christmas morning!!!

Let me just say, as skinny-rabbit said, we are damn cool. We are those people other people strive to be like. But it just comes naturally to us and that is why we are all so magnificent. We are talented, neurotic, quirky, SEXY, broke, witty and magical. I love us.

Okay, so let me tell you what I'm going to be doing with my day. Way back in the 1980's, a decade with which we are all quite familiar, there was a show that aired by the name of "Fraggle Rock". Children and adults alike fell in love with this show about spastic puppets living in a cave. I, myself, was a raging Fraggle Fan. Not many people know this but the show was created by a Bermudian and was inspired by the caves found here in Bermuda. Underground caverns equipped with sparkling limestone crystallizations. It was here that the spirit of the Fraggles came to life and it is here that I will swim and bask in their essence today with my friend from Canada.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


I'm doing that thing little babies do when they're so excited; it's like their tiny bodies can't handle all the anticipation so they raise their arms, ball up their hands, tightly squeezing their fists and then they smile and SHAKE uncontrollably! Do you know what I'm talking about or is this my own observation?

AAAHHH!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My old roomie from toronto is coming to see me tomorrow! Hooray! she's never been here and we haven't seen eachother since my 2004 graduation so it will be a week of good times. not to mention i got the week off work. moihahahahaha, good riddens, u caffeine addicted arseholes!

PLUS!!! my brother's flying in mere hours later.....then our house will be full of fun. chaotic, loud energy. my favorite!

when will I reunite with my blogger friends??? i miss you!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Small, medium, or large, turdface!!!!!

I still can't believe this. The other morning I'm at work and it's quite busy, as it usually is, and this woman just strolls up to the counter and asks for a cup of Earl Grey.

"Sure thing" I say with a smile, "What size can I get you?"

She replies, in one of the snappiest, snarkiest tones I ever had the pleasure of hearing whilst dangerously cutting her eyes, "What do you MEAN 'what size'?"

I pause. I'm in disbelief..........Is this a joke? Am I on candid camera? Who IS this woman? And why did she just ask that question with the implication that I was the idiot here?

"Um.... Small, medium or large?" I say hesitantly. What I really wanted to do was take the marker that was in my hand and scribble "Shithead!" all over her face, then flat out tell her to get out and shout "Next customer in line please!"

I didn't. I served her a delicious cup of hot, earl grey in a medium sized cup.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Ode to my Lovah

Have I mentioned that I love my lovah? No. I don't believe I've elaborated much on him. Just for the record, he's absolutely lovely and I adore him. Beautiful, sensitive, generous, altruistic, funny, silly, talented, intelligent, sexy.....brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things. But really, if I haven't made my point yet, I really dig him.

We had some sort of on-going, silent, friction this weekend; really aggravating and almost without point, really. If there's one of my personality traits that I wish would evaporate from my being, it would be my inability to retreat to my former, affectionate self once conflict has been established. I have a hard time letting go of whatever it is that made me upset in the first place, even if I can't quite remember the exact catalyst of the disagreement. I feel like there has to be some sort of communication marathon before relationship normality is resumed. Did i just say "relationship normality"? WTF is that???

Not even that there was a particular anger causing event over this past was more like a clash of moods. I was in a poopy one and he wasn't. I was cranky and over-tired and he wasn't. Poor, poor me. Wah, wah, wah. Sometimes I wish I could just get over it and be little miss merry.
Needless to say, I probably annoyed him, with reason, and in turn I eventually got irritated. Funny thing is, the only person I had reason to be annoyed with is myself. I was. I hate being a poopypants. I really should just sever myself from society when I'm feeling that way. Recoil away to a dark, cozy room with a big, fluffy, cushion smothered bed, watch the wizard of oz on a big plasma TV, soak in a tub while listening to the smooth croonings of franky sinatra, take a nap and "a la peanut butter sandwhich", the magic is back, baby! I will be cured of the diaper blues.

Coming off from that tangent, things now seem to be sugar and spice and everything nice, once again.

OH and if I didn't mention it before, I LOVE my lovah. He makes me feel super.

Monday, June 19, 2006

I remembered I was younger once

Today was like a holiday. I worked the morning from 6:30am until 12:30pm, so I had the rest of my day to do as I pleased. I wasn't rushed, I wasn't stressed and the best part of it all was it was a day of reminders. A day of subtle, yet reassuring, reflections.

Scents in the air filtered through my head and tickled my sense memory. I had vivid reminders of my childhood.....the salty smells of the pre-dawn morning air as I rode my bike to work, the smell of summer dew saturating freshly mowed lawns, that familiar scent of air-conditioned air mixed with coppertone sunblock in Front street tourist shops.

Even summer recollections of my later teen years resurfaced when I saw a boy in the bank wearing a preppy collared shirt, board shorts and flip-flops. I dated boys like that, what seems like, centuries ago. Memories of my "first time" even brought a simple, unaffected smile to my face. Life is like that sometimes. It just hits you and takes you right back.

I like that.

I like that real memories don't ever fade and that you can hang onto them for as long as you want.

I like that these kinds of memories enter your heart uninvited. They show up, make their presence known, take your entire being back in time and then reality ensues seconds later.

Snapshots of the past arrising to turn up the corners of our mouths and bring beauty to our eyes.

There's something to be said about the difference between trying to force happy memories into your thoughts and being caught off gaurd when they turn up unexpectedly. This may also be the answer to why some of us cry without warning. There has been some kind of outside influence that has kick started the memory engine. So therapeutic.

I was shocked to find memories everywhere I went today. Deep reminders in places I would least expect to find them.

For that, I say, thanks to my subconscious mind for encouraging these thoughts to the forefront of my brain today. THANKS BRAIN!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Globetrotter wannabe

All of a sudden I'm feeling the urge to do something completely spontaneous....something wildy EXTEMPORANEOUS!!! (oo, i'm so glad i can finally put that word to use!)

But really, my life has fallen into this premeditated, rehearsed ocean of hours. The hours are endless, leading to weeks and weeks on end of coffee-girl, palm-tree life. I love Bermuda and I love the people I'm spending my time with here, but I'm really feeling like I need to digest a gargantuan slice of adventure.

But it pisses me off that I have to pay for my desired escapades. Airfares, hostels, hiking boots, bicycle, parachute, time machine. I want to see it. I need to bear witness to life everywhere. I want to understand what it means to feel another's culture bridge with mine. I need to learn more. I feel ignorant all of a sudden.

I was born of this earth, can I please explore it now???!!!!!


What makes a relationship healthy?

Why do people stay in relationships if they don't sense a future together?

How can an outside eye judge a relationship between two people and make the assumption that "they're so good for eachother." ? or that "he/she can do better" ?

Why do insecurities and one's feelings of inadequacy come between two people?

What makes a person trust another person whole-heartedly?

Is flirting or making suggestive remarks cheating?

Where are the boundaries......are there any?

Why don't people just open their mouths and communicate. I suppose there would be fewer questions of this nature.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It's a small world after all!

I can't get over it. I'm here in Bermuda, freshly cast as Belle in an upcoming production of "Beauty and the Beast"; there is a certain former classmate of mine that was recently cast as the new Anne in the new musical "Anne and Gilbert" and it just so happens that we have the same director. I'm flabbergasted by this coincidence! We are in separate countries and are hailing from a very small school. What are the odds???? I love that. Not to mention the musical direction is headed by the spectacular Diane Leah, who just so happened to direct my former classmate and I in our final school musical. Wild.

However, this is what scares me about theatre. It is, in actual fact, a small tight-knit community and you must always be on your best behaviour and hope your talent does you justice, or else, you risk hurting your casting possibilities in the future. Everyone knows everyone and if you make a wrong move, blacklisted may become your middle name. Not that I would ever be such a pain in the ass to work with, but it does keep you on your toes.

Well, NEway, MERDE!!! to my friend out in P.E.I and here's to working with a (hopefully) splendid director!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Next stop: Aggravation Station

You know what bugs me? Blackberries. No, not the fruit, the anti-social, hand-held device that is glued to the palms of business men and women everywhere. You've stepped out of the office for a coffee BREAK......why are you checking your e-mail while you order your daily dependency? Is it so hard to lift your head, flash a smile (genuine or not, I'll take it) and place your order? Literally FIVE seconds out of your busy, compulsive work day. Yes, I understand that you are on a mission to save the world, one insurance policy at a time, but give ME a break!

You know what else irks me a bit? I say 'a bit' but I really mean 'a great deal'............people who pee on toilet seats and don't seem to have the energy to clean up after themselves. I understand if you don't want to sit on the seat, but if you have bad aim, that simply is not my problem. I should not have to deal with the afterlife of your morning orange juice. What are people thinking when they do this....."Ha! that will show the next person that comes in here. This is MY lavatory!" We are not dogs. Please refrain from marking your territory in that fashion. It's rather nauseating.

Lastly, something that I enjoy. Silly jokes...............

What kind of bees make milk?



Friday, June 09, 2006

Better days are a comin'!

This has been a good week. I've smiled, I've laughed, I've acknowledged what's important and what doesn't have to be important. I've stopped distressing over what does not need to be a permanent fixture in my life.

I was needy....I needed hugs and loving and phone calls and junk food. I needed Jack Johnson and a morning swim in crystal clear ocean. I needed kisses from my lovah and words of advice from my brother. I needed wine and good conversation and I got it all. I was rejuvenated this week and I can sense a new current of creative juices about to course their way into this restless cerebrum.....

Monday, June 05, 2006


So I'm not the dancing mop or Gaston's rejected lover, i did get the part I wanted. What a relief!!! I was starting to get scared I would do something catastrophic if I didn't. But to reiterate, it's only because of where I Bermuda. There's just not a whole lot of competition. You know what I mean.

NEway, I have the day off today and that makes me want to whistle, yippidee-doo-da, yippidee day!!!!!!!!! In the meantime I shall shower, and clean my room and have a long sweaty workout at the gym and then continue writing this play i have been neglecting. I've written the first 2 scenes and I'm scared to write any more. I don't know what's coming next and my characters are all starting to turn into me and my split personalities. I guess that's ok as long as I don't get too self-indulgent. Sometimes i want to speak my own voice through them and then I re-read and realise I don't like what she's just said. She's a bitch!!! I guess that's the fun of it all.....I'm not the one saying hahahahahaha!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

"Life" written and survived by ME.

Why has life been so difficult for me lately? It seems like everyday something gets in the way of my good mood and I'm brought down to this place of misery. No one likes to be despondent.....and I've never known myself to be this way. Maybe for a day or two but not for much longer. As I've bitched about before, my job does not even come close to pleasuring or satisfying me. I'm really ready for a change in that department. Moving out and having my own space to express my tastes would also be favourable to my survival as a jovial person.

I feel so I have no control over myself and my emotions......i just want to scream, i want to cry, I want to throw bricks through car windows but most of all, I just want to feel normal again.

What is normal???? Normal for me is that place of calm that I had when I was living in my own place, when I was hopeful about my future and my ability to make an impact. When I was surrounded by the necessary support. I need that belief, that hope, that faith, that trust in myself and that anticipation to continue on with my life long desires....making sure my dreams and aspirations are in the driver's seat, guiding this odyssey, while I keep filling the tank with gas to take me on my way.

It may be trite to think about your life as an unwritten book, but I find consolation in this. It's reassuring to remind yourself that you are the master of your own are the author of these unmarked pages. I'm 22 years old, for fuck's sake, the pages to come are mine to fill. That's exciting!!! That means I still have time to create my epic......and the non-fictional characters in it. Well, I don't create them, they make their impact whether their invited or not. Many people will pass through and influence me in someway.....each chapter, each year that goes by will reinforce growth. The writing will become more detailed, more mature. There will be more of a focus and appreciation for the simpler things in life. I will love and be loved..... It will be a romance novel, a drama, a mystery, but most of all there will be marked chapters of comedic absurdity and irony. After all, through every hardship, through every tragedy there arises a lesson to be learned. And from this lesson, we can find light. We can realize humour. I used to pride myself on having this great personality trait......"life may be hard but at least i can laugh about it. sometimes that's all you can do".

so why haven't i been laughing lately? Maybe I need to be more proactive about what I need in my life.

The important thing here is to put it all into persective, right?? Who am I on this planet to complain about having a job, a roof over my head and a family who loves me and will support me whatever I do? It's hard to think that way in such an opportune, fortunate society that has been created for us here in the western world, but it's always healthy to remember what matters most. And for me that's the people I love and helping those in need of it.

With that said, I think it's important to be true to yourself and pursue what you want out of life. Be true to other people. Don't ever lose your integrity and be aware of spreading good karma. Create a wave of it and let it travel behind you on your journey.....leave a trail of optimism.

Don't be like those people who fart in elevators and leave the remains behind for the next unfortunate soul to endure. That's just not good karma.

I love cereal

I can't get enough cereal this morning! I bought the new All-bran flakes with yogurt clusters yesterday and i'm addicted. Cereal has always and will always be on the top of my favorite food list...... Just thought I would share this morning's breakfast satisfaction with you.

So, I went to my little "movement" call back last night. I had no idea what to expect....I just got a call yesterday morning and they told me to come in because the director wanted to do some movement with me; sort of get an idea of how limber and graceful I am, I guess. Well, fortunately, I was the only one, out of the 7 of us there, who was actually comfortable with the moves. But the other girls were certainly cute and very "belle" looking. maybe I was just nervous.....really there's no telling.
Is he going to make Belle a dancing beauty or was I there so he could see if I would fit the role of the ballet dancing, mop? Perhaps a groovin' and shakin' dinner plate?

we shall see how this unfolds in the next couple of days.

So i have to mentally prepare myself to go to work today, just like any other day.v As soon as I finish work at 7 tonight, I have to go straight to babysit these 2 kids I sit on a regular basis. They're cute and the house is very pleasant to relax in. Mostly because it's not mine and there are no blood relatives around to annoy me for no reason. It's funny how I can ease up and unwind better in someone else's home, than my own.
I also have a great excuse to watch "that's so raven". Is it weird that I actually look forward to this part of our ritual evening together? I can forget and let go of all the other shit in my life and just be a kid for a couple hours.

Well, here's to the work day! I'm starting to sweat just thinking about it.........