Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Woman's Worth

I got called into the Big Boss' office last night. He wants to help....he didn't 'come down' on me and when i told him I was thinking of quiting he talked me out of it. I'm gonna guess that's a good thing. I'm going to guess that he wants to encourage me. He told me he would work with me....Help me pick up my business. I'm 'under-performing' as they say. I still feel like a failure. I'm a good trainer, all my clients repurchase their packages with me but why can't I just get more clients? I'm not ballsy and talkative like all the other trainers. I can't just walk up to anyone working out and say 'hey, can I show you a different exercise?' or, 'Can I show you the correct way to do this exercise?'. why? why do i feel like that's being pushy? is it? What do you guys think? Why am I so shy in real life...yet, I want to perform for a living?
I don't want to quit until I've done really well there. I feel like if I quit now I would have failed by not having faith in myself. I'm so tired of giving up. I feel like I do it all the time. I feel like I underestimate myself and that I walk around with unhealthy amounts of modesty. Why should I keep believing that everyone else is better than me? Why should I even be comparing myself to anyone? Why can't I just say I am going to be on Broadway one day and actually believe that? Or that I'm going to be a really popular trainer and maybe be a celebrity trainer?
I'm so mad at myself for all the low expectations I've had for my talents and abilities my whole life. And it existed everywhere....high school, theatre school, dance classes.......I just walk in tall and proud and walk out discouraged, already telling myself "I'm not going to make it, why bother?" well, I'm here aren't i???!! In New York! So I better get over this!!
I'm so sick of my lack of faith in myself. All those times anyone has ever complimented me I have never heard them. I really always told myself they were just being nice or they have to say that because they are my friend. What is that about??

Step number 1 - Learn how to take a compliment and believe it.

Step number 2 - Put my heart and soul into whatever I do and do not be afraid of the outcome. No more running from failure or the fear of it.

Somebody PLEASE slap me in the face.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


HA! I just finished reading everyone's blogs and I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted. I knew I wasn't alone but now it's nice to get a reminder. I know my struggles and funks and lack of motivation are not my own.
I let it out today. I had the "I haven't achieved anything great or anything to be really proud of and recognised for in 3 years" cry. The 'i feel so sorry for myself' bawl.
Everything I want to achieve is only attainable through parting with large amounts of money. I need new headshots. I need a vocal coach because I have not sung through or collected any new repertoire in a gazillion years. I need acting classes because I don't have monologues to audition with. I WANT to spend this money....I just simply do not have it. Why is it that actors have to spend so much money only to TRY and get a job that may not even pay them at all!!!??? What cruel people invented this scam and who on earth decided that the job of an actor is not worth a decent living? And my current job is not providing the way I need it to.
Why on EARTH did I think this was going to be easier than it is??? Did I really just think I was going to stroll into any audition any day of the week? I mean, I knew it wouldn't be THAT easy but what was I thinking??? I'm afraid to know what kind of state I'd be in right now if it weren't for these improv classes........

I found out an ex of mine is in a real relationship. Like a committed one. He's not just sleeping around anymore. It made me really upset at first......but then I was ok. At first I didn't want to know anything and then something inside me shifted and I felt comfortable with it. I wanted to know about her and how it was going. And then he told me he wasn't sure about her but that she was pretty far in and serious about him. I could recognise by the way he spoke about her that he just wasn't entirely sure. He said he loved her but that he didn't know if he really wanted it. Then he told me it wasn't anything like he had felt for me. And I could honestly tell it was hard for him to say that. This made me feel both secretly happy... then.... sad. And then I felt slightly empty. I allowed my mind to take me back to our days together and then instantly removed myself. I realised I had been through too much to wish for that ever again. That in reality, I had moved so far beyond the days of 'us' that it would be impossible to ever go back there. I know this is nothing new and that this is what it's supposed to feel like, but I'm glad I finally recognised this. That made me happy. And yet, I feel dark inside. And he feels further away than ever.

I also love the fall. I think I feel my sexiest in the fall. I'm not sweaty or clammy....I'm not overly shiny. My face is not breaking out. I'm cool and comfortable and I can walk with a certain spring in my step. I can easily fain confidence and by doing this I can stumble upon the real deal. And we all know. I can wear brown and burnt orange and they look good on me. I love the fall.

but seriously folks.......thank the lord for the Upright Citizen's Brigade Improv 101 on Tuesday nights with Lennon Parham. Wooweee!

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I miss you all incredibly. Like really a lot. My life here hasn't changed that much since I last blogged. It feels better here, I know that. The improv classes and the new friends along with that have helped immensely. My job is still difficult but I'm thinking I might quit before Christmas and go back to school here in January. Who knows.... the Lovah is supposed to get here in January. And he's also coming up in a couple weeks for my birthday week...I'm looking forward to that. We have our last improv class that week and then a final show. It actually makes me really sad. I plan on continuing on with the next level though; it's been such a great class and group and instructor.

I'm sorry, I'm so tired and have so much crap to take care of in the morning! BLECH! REAL blog coming soon.....I promise!