Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Some things be funny to me

So I was riding my moped home this afternoon and I got so deep in thought that I actually kind of lost focus on my driving; I completely forgot to indicate when i was turning. It just sort of slipped my mind because I was thinking....deep in thought. You get it.
NEway, then i started thinking about something which made me laugh.......what if sooner or later, after the banning of drinking and cell phone use while driving, one day we were all forced, by law, to wear head pieces that shot an electric jolt to the body after detecting thoughts on the brain, to stop people from thinking and driving. I mean, I imagine accidents happen every day because of people losing focus on the road when they are immersed in their thoughts and fantasies. I, myself, enjoy creating fictional scenarios in my head and get completely submerged in my own hopes and dreams....sometimes while driving.

How funny would it to do a comedic sketch about this........

A man is driving his car with this ridiculous looking, archaic kind of contraption engulfing his entire head. He's staring straight at the road, very concentrated when all of a sudden....

"Hmmm, now what was it I needed at the grocery store?"

Then, SSHHHHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He gets zapped, a small electric shock.


Or what happens when the police are pulling people over who aren't "strapped" up?

"Excuse me ma'am. Where is your thinking-zap?"

Overcome with grief, and crying hysterically, "I'm sorry sir. I just b-broke up with my boyfriend and I can't stop th-thinking about it! I'm so sorry!"

I can just imagine the public service annoucements now......
"Remember, if you're going to think, don't drive."
"Had a bad day? Stressed out or just generally have a wild imagination? Make sure to find a designated driver."

Just another thought, while driving.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Parting is such sour sorrow

My brother has gone back to the U.S as of yesterday and it's always such a bummer when he has to go. It's like the house is lacking all of this spontaneous, random energy. The best part about being around him, is that we have the same sense of humour so no matter what, we are always able to make eachother laugh so easily. I think you all know how therapeutic a long, hard, ab-crunching, laugh can be. Those would occur at least thrice a day around here. Having grown accustomed to waking up and making coffee for the both of us, and bringing it to his room, I'm feeling kind of lost this morning.
We would usually make up a song to sing eachother in the morning, whether it be about "coffee and sausages" or "waking up to this new day", i would always leave the house in a good mood, and look forward to coming home to see him. Now I just want to get out of here as fast as I can and stay away for as long as possible. AAAAHHH!!!!

When he leaves, it's also a sign that we're nearing the end of our summer. He comes home to run a theatre summer camp that my family resurrected about 11 years ago; I went to see the kids' final production on Sat. night and it was amazing. He always writes them a play, which inevitably showcases his divine sense of humour, and it always rocks the house. These kids were so amazing and the script was so funny and well thought out, that I wanted to cry out of pride for my family. Right now all of my admiration for another human being is purely focused on my brother. I can't believe that I'll finally be within reach of him in January......I don't think it can come soon enough.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Balanced....for now.

I seem to have found some kinda of happy balance with myself and my lovah over the past week. Whatever state it is we're in right now, I want it to stay like this until I go. This place we've reached feels mighty good.

My brother leaves on Monday, and I dont like that.

My rehearsals start on Monday and I think that sure is swell!

I have to work the morning shift tomorrow. Balls.

My friend and co-worker, who's leaving to move to North Carolina next month, has lent me her guitar for a few months! She's a beautiful star.........I'm going to miss her so much. How do you play the guitar??! If Joni Mitchell taught herself, why can't i?

Monday, August 21, 2006

WANTED!! Reassurance & Admiration

Needy girl seeks passionate, aggressive love making from the one she adores.
Must be willing to showcase intense desire for her; A hot lust rooted in a bed of deep love.
Encourage her to check her insecurities at the door and hold her hand through the frame.
Lead her to the place where she is the only one.
Allow her to shine for you.

Just You.

Just Her.

Know what I'm sayin'????

Friday, August 18, 2006

Letting it go

There is so much to say and little time so I will try and relieve my heavy brain succinctly.

It all began on Tuesday night........

At the far west end of the island there is a place called Dockyard. There is a cruise ship docked there every week, usually the big fat, oversized royal caribbean. As a ways of entertaining the tourist crowd at that end, there is this weekly market/entertainment night every tuesday for the lot. Cruise ship performers are showcased as well as local acts. I was asked last week if I would fill in for the person who emcee's the whole night and so i went last tuesday to check it out and see what it was i would be doing the following week. WELL! I show up and the guy that was meant to replace this girl who had gone, just never showed up! 5 minutes before showtime i was told i would have to do it.


I had NO idea what i was doing and production managers and crew members were throwing words and tips at me left right and centre. It was a nightmare. When i got up on stage in front of the 400 or so tourists and locals, i thought i had entered a bad dream. One of those dreams where you forget your pants, or you get on stage only to forget all of your lines. However, because I am good at portraying false confidence i managed out alright. it was not perfect by any means (my lovah was sure to remind me of this) but i got through it.

I was a bit bamboozled afterward and just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I went to my lovah's and had a breakdown. I forced him to talk about what was going to happen to us after i left (even though he had made it clear he did not want to talk about it yet). I had been going crazy for days thinking about it, and he told me that he hadn't given it a whole lot of thought.


I've decided to go with the flow now.....I refuse to get upset about it anymore. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see.

Que sera sera.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Hunt Me

Open the door,
Leave your dwelling.
Hunt Me.
Im outside.

Evasive maybe,
But available for you
and this hunting game.

Seek me!
Break a sweat
with your search!
I'm only partially hiding...

Ready or not,
Here you come.
I've been ready.

I'm waiting.

Paralyse me.
Stun me,
Open fire
and Hunt me.

Don't hurt me.

Pick me up gently
and take me home.
with you.
Recover me.
Nurse me!

Keep me,
But don't hurt me.


BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Anxiety has reached it's peak within me.....and I've discovered I am long overdue for some serious blogging and unloading. I'm like a balloon that has been pumped up with far too much air and if I dont let some of it out, I think I might POP!

What is it??? What is it with me lately?? Am I completely disregarding my abilities as a useful, intelligent human being? Why do I reduce myself to such scum? Ok, no. I don't think I'm scum at all, but I think I'm starting to forget who I am. I'm starting to become part of the grand scheme of things. I don't understand what separates me from the rest nowadays; I'm losing sight of what makes me special.

what makes me shine?

I need some sort of personal renaissance......some kind of artistic rebirth. I need to start rehearsals for this show, NOW!! I need to finish writing my play! I need to learn how to play the guitar so I can put music to the lyrics I've written. I need to share with other artists. I need to talk and learn from the insight of others. I respect myself. I never want to be the girl who's always unhappy. I'm not that person.

Why doesn't my lovah tell me he loves me regularly? I got him to say it last night but that was the first time since.......over a month ago. We talked a little more about how I've been feeling last night and it didn't really get me anywhere. I just heard again, "it's still the summer....let's enjoy our time now"

What I really hear is, "it's still summer. We have 4 more months to be together before it all goes kaput."

You know what's wrong with me? I have been basing all of my self-worth on this relationship. I have no other important focuses in my life right now and I'm letting this relationship define me. I am not half me, half my lovah. I am 100 percent me, and it is me who will define my self-worth. I love my lovah. I don't live for my lovah.

I am "miss independent".

But, it just so happens that I'm, "Miss independent....... in love. But still very much Miss INDEPENDENT"

Sunday, August 06, 2006


I've been thinking more and more about leaving and starting anew lately. The idea is becoming more and more appealing by the day. The thought of waking up in a room, in my own apartment, in a diverse, metropolis every day sounds magically delicious! It will be the change I have been searching for.


I will take dance classes and walk to my local gym everyday. After which, I will pay my little organic grocer a visit. We know each other by will be:

"Good morning, Tito!"

"Oh good morning, Jessie! Where are you off to today?"

"The Internet Cafe! I just finished reading the most WONDERFUL blog about a mermaid and a sexy young gay man in Ottawa!"

"That's nice! Marie! The Baguettes!"

Then I will skip and sing to the sound of honking car horns and angry taxi cab drivers. I will jay walk and people will give me the finger and I will smile and sing, "THE SKY-SCRAPERS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND of MUSIC!!"

People will think something is wrong with wait, what am I saying.....No one will notice me at all!!!!!!!!!!! I can finally pretend I'm in my own music video.......I'll buy roller skates and booty shorts and skate through central park wearing a tina turner wig!!

I will be unconfined, unfettered! I will be like a young tigress set free in the African plains, galloping off into the blazing African sunset! Liberation! Emancipation!!!!!!!!

eeeeee...there really are ants dancing in my pants right now!

Culture Convention

Bermuda is just coming off from it's annual 4 day weekend.....or what is known as "Cupmatch". Thursday and Friday were both national holidays; Thursday was the celebration of Emancipation Day, which is in honour of the freedom of slaves in Bermuda and Friday was 'Somers Day' marking the colonisation of Bermuda by Sir George Somers some very many years ago.

On top of this, it is called cup match because the cricket teams of each end of the island, known as Somerset and St. George's battle it out in a two day cricket match. Bermuda loves cricket and there is a serious, yet friendly, rivalry between these two teams each year. It's one of my favorite times of the year....everyone goes camping, no one gives a shit about anything and everyone drinks, sings, eats fish on a bun and is merry. I think it might be the highest volume of Bermudian culture one person can consume in 4 days and it's one of the year's highlights. I love going to the game and I don't even understand cricket!!! But my team won again this year which makes me smile my big St. George's smile!
It's a joyous time for all and there is always something going on, be it monstrous bbq's, beach festivities, boating extravaganza's or in my case, an excuse to get more sleep than you need.

And that's what my lovah and I did. I do kind of wish I'd 'ripped it up' a little more but I do not regret waking up hangover-free each morning. Many of my friends were not as lucky. Well, here's to a relaxing long-weekend and spending time with my lovah!

Thinking about going back to work tomorrow makes me want to cry and have a temper tantrum. I really don't know how much longer I can last without turning into the tazmanian she-devil. I can just see the whirlwind of paper cups and espresso now.......

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Am I crazy?

There should be rules about how much you are allowed to talk about your ex-girlfriend around your current girlfriend, who you've been seeing for a year.
If it is imperative that you re-tell some story or life experience that involved this person, you should leave the ex-person out.

For example, "I'm sorry to hear you have bad cramps. Some girls get them really bad don't they? My ex used to have to take the day off work and use a hot water bottle"

Do i want to know about your ex-girlfriend's menstrual cycle???! No thanks! If you really felt like you wanted to relate to me in some way through this story you should have replaced ex-girlfriend with 'friend'. "I had a friend who used to get it really bad". end of story.

Whenever I recall a time in my life for story-telling purposes and it involves my ex-boyfriend, I almost always leave him out of it or say, "this one time in Toronto, my friend and I went to the CN tower.....etc etc". Bringing past relationships into story-telling does not advance the story's intensity nor does it make the other person want to listen anymore.

Is it just me? Am i the only one who thinks this kind of useless repetition is unnecessary? It makes me mad EVERYTIME. Last night my brother, his girlfriend, my lovah and I were out having a drink. We started talking about comedies and funny tv shows, particularly the english version of "the office"...which i find hilarious. My brother asked my lovah, who had lived in London for about 5 years if he ever watched the show. His response was, "i wasn't really into that humour at the time. my ex-girlfriend was really political and when the war started we were all so focused on that that we didn't watch that kind of stuff. it didn't seem important. that said, we watched jackass all the time! hahahaha"

WHO CARES?!!!! Tell me that you and your friends were politically interested people.

then again, people who can't find humour and enlighten themselves even at the worst of times, bore me. she sounds boring.

But seriously, it really bothers me. How do i get over it?