HIGH TIME FOR A BLOG!

BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Anxiety has reached it's peak within me.....and I've discovered I am long overdue for some serious blogging and unloading. I'm like a balloon that has been pumped up with far too much air and if I dont let some of it out, I think I might POP!

What is it??? What is it with me lately?? Am I completely disregarding my abilities as a useful, intelligent human being? Why do I reduce myself to such scum? Ok, no. I don't think I'm scum at all, but I think I'm starting to forget who I am. I'm starting to become part of the grand scheme of things. I don't understand what separates me from the rest nowadays; I'm losing sight of what makes me special.

what makes me shine?

I need some sort of personal renaissance......some kind of artistic rebirth. I need to start rehearsals for this show, NOW!! I need to finish writing my play! I need to learn how to play the guitar so I can put music to the lyrics I've written. I need to share with other artists. I need to talk and learn from the insight of others. I respect myself. I never want to be the girl who's always unhappy. I'm not that person.

Why doesn't my lovah tell me he loves me regularly? I got him to say it last night but that was the first time since.......over a month ago. We talked a little more about how I've been feeling last night and it didn't really get me anywhere. I just heard again, "it's still the summer....let's enjoy our time now"

What I really hear is, "it's still summer. We have 4 more months to be together before it all goes kaput."

You know what's wrong with me? I have been basing all of my self-worth on this relationship. I have no other important focuses in my life right now and I'm letting this relationship define me. I am not half me, half my lovah. I am 100 percent me, and it is me who will define my self-worth. I love my lovah. I don't live for my lovah.

I am "miss independent".

But, it just so happens that I'm, "Miss independent....... in love. But still very much Miss INDEPENDENT"