Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Sunday, September 23, 2007


HA! I just finished reading everyone's blogs and I feel so much better. Like a weight has been lifted. I knew I wasn't alone but now it's nice to get a reminder. I know my struggles and funks and lack of motivation are not my own.
I let it out today. I had the "I haven't achieved anything great or anything to be really proud of and recognised for in 3 years" cry. The 'i feel so sorry for myself' bawl.
Everything I want to achieve is only attainable through parting with large amounts of money. I need new headshots. I need a vocal coach because I have not sung through or collected any new repertoire in a gazillion years. I need acting classes because I don't have monologues to audition with. I WANT to spend this money....I just simply do not have it. Why is it that actors have to spend so much money only to TRY and get a job that may not even pay them at all!!!??? What cruel people invented this scam and who on earth decided that the job of an actor is not worth a decent living? And my current job is not providing the way I need it to.
Why on EARTH did I think this was going to be easier than it is??? Did I really just think I was going to stroll into any audition any day of the week? I mean, I knew it wouldn't be THAT easy but what was I thinking??? I'm afraid to know what kind of state I'd be in right now if it weren't for these improv classes........

I found out an ex of mine is in a real relationship. Like a committed one. He's not just sleeping around anymore. It made me really upset at first......but then I was ok. At first I didn't want to know anything and then something inside me shifted and I felt comfortable with it. I wanted to know about her and how it was going. And then he told me he wasn't sure about her but that she was pretty far in and serious about him. I could recognise by the way he spoke about her that he just wasn't entirely sure. He said he loved her but that he didn't know if he really wanted it. Then he told me it wasn't anything like he had felt for me. And I could honestly tell it was hard for him to say that. This made me feel both secretly happy... then.... sad. And then I felt slightly empty. I allowed my mind to take me back to our days together and then instantly removed myself. I realised I had been through too much to wish for that ever again. That in reality, I had moved so far beyond the days of 'us' that it would be impossible to ever go back there. I know this is nothing new and that this is what it's supposed to feel like, but I'm glad I finally recognised this. That made me happy. And yet, I feel dark inside. And he feels further away than ever.

I also love the fall. I think I feel my sexiest in the fall. I'm not sweaty or clammy....I'm not overly shiny. My face is not breaking out. I'm cool and comfortable and I can walk with a certain spring in my step. I can easily fain confidence and by doing this I can stumble upon the real deal. And we all know. I can wear brown and burnt orange and they look good on me. I love the fall.

but seriously folks.......thank the lord for the Upright Citizen's Brigade Improv 101 on Tuesday nights with Lennon Parham. Wooweee!


Blogger warriorprincesse said...

I love it when you say wowee. I love the "I haven't done anything" cry, I've had a few of those lately. But I'm trying to learn to stop letting people expect things of me! I'm not expecting things from them! From what I know about you, you are doing a lot of things worth note. But people note the wrong things, you know? the important people (us, other cool people and kindred spirits, any gods who might be looking in) will always keep track of deeds worth keeping track of, don't worry.

12:21 PM  
Blogger artsmonkey said...

i get that. yep.
it's a challenge to not let the expectations and doubts smash around inside the head.
improv sounds like a great thing.

2:35 AM  

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