Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Woman's Worth

I got called into the Big Boss' office last night. He wants to help....he didn't 'come down' on me and when i told him I was thinking of quiting he talked me out of it. I'm gonna guess that's a good thing. I'm going to guess that he wants to encourage me. He told me he would work with me....Help me pick up my business. I'm 'under-performing' as they say. I still feel like a failure. I'm a good trainer, all my clients repurchase their packages with me but why can't I just get more clients? I'm not ballsy and talkative like all the other trainers. I can't just walk up to anyone working out and say 'hey, can I show you a different exercise?' or, 'Can I show you the correct way to do this exercise?'. why? why do i feel like that's being pushy? is it? What do you guys think? Why am I so shy in real life...yet, I want to perform for a living?
I don't want to quit until I've done really well there. I feel like if I quit now I would have failed by not having faith in myself. I'm so tired of giving up. I feel like I do it all the time. I feel like I underestimate myself and that I walk around with unhealthy amounts of modesty. Why should I keep believing that everyone else is better than me? Why should I even be comparing myself to anyone? Why can't I just say I am going to be on Broadway one day and actually believe that? Or that I'm going to be a really popular trainer and maybe be a celebrity trainer?
I'm so mad at myself for all the low expectations I've had for my talents and abilities my whole life. And it existed everywhere....high school, theatre school, dance classes.......I just walk in tall and proud and walk out discouraged, already telling myself "I'm not going to make it, why bother?" well, I'm here aren't i???!! In New York! So I better get over this!!
I'm so sick of my lack of faith in myself. All those times anyone has ever complimented me I have never heard them. I really always told myself they were just being nice or they have to say that because they are my friend. What is that about??

Step number 1 - Learn how to take a compliment and believe it.

Step number 2 - Put my heart and soul into whatever I do and do not be afraid of the outcome. No more running from failure or the fear of it.

Somebody PLEASE slap me in the face.


Blogger artsmonkey said...

advice from someone who totally gets what you are talking about:
1. write down any and all compliments you can remember getting, including this one - you are one of the best actors/funniest/talented people i know to the point that i'm a smigen jealous.
2. try to think about your job as helping people - not soliciting people. these people have money. they want to be strong hotties - you know how to help them achieve their goals - if they don't want a trainer, by giving them advice you are still getting them one step closer to their goal.
3. remember/decide/figure out what it is you want with these career goals and why (minus out what other people will perceive you as/fame) and see if you are on the right path.
i think you are.
go pants go!

2:10 AM  
Blogger skinny-rabbit said...

She's right. And I forgive you. Reading your blogs makes me happy and I need that right now, so keep up the good work.

5:19 PM  
Blogger warriorprincesse said...

grr!!! Remember the compliments! What possible reason could I have for giving them other than the truth? I don't have to be nice, if I were just being nice, it'd be a waste of time. I don't go out of my way to be nice. I'm not trying to get in your pants with the ants. I would if I were there, but I'm not, so I'm not. The only reason I have to give you compliments is that they're true!


I wish I could slap you, and not just to wake you up, but because I'm jealous and that would make me feel better about myself. okay, that's taking it a little too far, but you get the point, right???

5:38 PM  
Blogger warriorprincesse said...

oh, and anywhere else (i.e. a clothes store) it would be pushy, but in a gym, I would LOVE the advice! you're in a uniform, so people will trust you! that's how it works!

5:39 PM  
Blogger Neenia said...

*SLAP!* You're so talented and funny!
*SLAP!* Even though we were never in the same class at Randolph I still heard about how talented and funny you were.
*SLAP!* You were so good in GOMT that I wanted to run up on stage, push KB out of the way and act opposite you because I would've learned so much!
*SLAP!* You know how to make people laugh and that is a really great thing.

But, I totally know how you feel. Insecurites are really hard to overcome a lot of the time.

Just remember that you're a rockstar and we love you!

8:23 PM  

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