Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

This can't be just PMS...

I woke up so entirely unhappy today. I could cry at the drop of a would be a perfect day for a heartfelt dramatic performance. My emotions are readily accessible and I'm nervous that if I don't get more sleep or some exercise that I might indeed break down. When it finally decides to come out it should last a good half hour or so. It's been some time since I cried so I'm ready and willing.
I think it has a lot to do with my lovah. Again. Im sorry for being so self-involved in my blogs but I suppose that's why writing it provides such an unloading release.
I told my lovah this morning, for real, that I was seriously thinking that January will be my time to fly. I told him that I feel torn but that living here is making me miss out....I truly feel as though something enormously important is missing from my life right now and I have a better chance of finding it elsewhere. However, my time with him is time well-spent and I don't want to give that up.

so his response to this was, "Ok, so do you want to have this conversation now or later?"

and i said, "well, do you have anything to say?"

a few seconds past and all he could say was, "I guess we'll just have to make the most of the time we have together"

"you mean our time until January?"

"yeah, i guess"

WTF???????!!!! Is that it? so we just keep plowing through, whilst being secretly miserable and then just say ciao when i get on the plane? that's it? make the most of it UNTIL?

I don't know if i can do that. This really hurts. My breathing is really shallow. I need more. More intensity, more passionate discussion. More ecstasy. More assurance. More being desired.

More something........

Thursday, July 27, 2006

To the point

  • So my brother's girlfriend has been here for almost a week and she rocks and I think she is my favorite girlfriend yet. She's a director, she's older than him, she's adorable, funny and her name is Wendy. Wendy is moving to new york with my brother in september. She has expressed her willingness to help me with anything and everything i need when i get there. I like Wendy very much.
  • I don't like my job. Not sure if i ever mentioned that. BUT!!! i have all of next week off from serving shitheads because we are closing the shop to clean, paint and do an over all yearly spruce-up. That means i get to enjoy my co-workers without the intrusion of parasitic, corporate morons! Hooray for next week!
  • Saturday night our boss is taking us all out for dinner and dancing. She is fabulous and amazing in so many ways.
  • I usually put soy milk in my coffee and decided to try this soy creamer. My coffee now tastes like tofu. poo.
  • I can't wait to start rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast
  • I dreamt my lovah and i were in NYC last night and I knew where everything was. I woke up happy. My lovah and i have decided to take a weekend at the end of october to go to NYC. Sort of a 'Beauty-and-the-Beast-is-over-and-done-with-reward.' But then I said, "What if the show turns out to be a disaster and I get awful reviews? There should be no reward for that!" Oh i hope that doesn't happen......
  • I miss my blogger friends. I love them.
  • I had cold pizza for breakfast. Oh, and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. Oh, and two bites of my homedmade granola.
  • Hey, i made homemade granola for the first time yesterday! BOOYEAH!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Here's your change!!!!!

I still do not like my job! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday this gentleman, who I do not like (well, i've actually never had a real conversation with him but i think he's arrogant and doesn't know how to be polite to his coffee establishment)
came into the shop and asked for his usual, a large cappucino. Once again, he throws his 5 dollar bill onto the counter at me............

Oh no he didn't!!! How rude?!

I'm at the end of my shift and my sanity is hanging by a mere thread. I go to give him back his nickel's worth of change (which he could throw into the tip pot, but he's far too cheap) and decide that it's much better to throw it onto the counter in his general direction. So I do. After which, I'm still angry, so I decide to alleviate some of this frustration by slamming the register shut.

That will show him! Grrrrrr, I'm angry woman! Just look at how angry I am!

A tip for everyone: always be sure you have removed all fingers from inside of register before slamming shut. Just a tip.

A day later and I'm still in pain. Asshole.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Up, down, Up, down

Wow, almost a week since I've blogged. I feel like my writing abilities have ceased to exist. I just spent the last 45 minutes reading and catching up with all of your blogs that now i just want to keep reading!

I found myself nodding at my monitor and saying "mmmm hmm.....oh yes girl, i know how you feel". I, myself, have been in lovah pandemonium lately. I love him, he annoys me, he annoys me because I love him so much and I'm needy! We both are, and when our neediness is in sync we could spend all of eternity together but when it's imbalanced, we're both quick to frustrate/anger/upset/irritate. I hate that.
He's LOVELY. He has the best lips and the greatest smile. Not to mention he makes me laugh, my family adores him and he can get funky to James Brown like nobody's business. But when we're not on par with one another, it's not fun. We get weird. I start over-analysing EVERYTHING.
But nothing is ever worth ending least not right now.
I have NO clue what will happen when we're apart but so far it seems as though any kind of current distance now puts a strain on us. I dont spend the night with him one night and already I'm frustrated the next day when he calls me 30 minutes after he says he will.

I really think what it is, is that I fear we're running out of time.
I feel like those moments when we're not busy and we're not together are minutes sadly wasted. If we really only have another 5 months together i want it to be spent like that, TOGETHER. I know we have our own lives and our own commitments but I'm getting anxious about my move already.

I think i need to just take it one day at a time and calm myself down a bit.

In fact, we're both in desperate need of some profession help so we are thinking that we should invest in 2 very re-balancing massages for ourselves on saturday. I hope we do, we could use a little 'his and her' pampering.

Can you believe it? I got saturday off!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Baby, dream your dream......

I had a very weird dream last night.

I dreamt that I was sad and desperately in need of something material, something expensive that would bring me joy and local fame. As it does. ???
Obviously, that meant I asked my Daddy to buy me a brand new car, and because it was a dream, he said yes. Of course.
Mere minutes later he dons me with the newest, most expensive car on the market. The car of everyone's desires....the envy of the town, the world, wherever it was that I was.
The new MAC IPOD Car. What else? Instead of the cute little mercedes sign that sticks out on the front hood of those luxury cars, these cars were adorned with a perfect white IPOD. The car itself was of a pristine white with fitting silver accents and everywhere I went I stopped people in their tracks. Everyone, for a brief moment, wanted to be me in that car. I got cat calls, hoots, hollers, "hey baby!"s

......and I used my new car to take everyone to and from the United States Holocaust Museum. As you do.

maybe I just want to drive a vehicle who's first and foremost function is to play that funky music, white boy.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Saturday Blues

I hate working on Saturdays. I feel like all the kids have gone out to play and I'm stuck inside, doing homework. Forbidden to gallop all over the fresh cut green grass like a hyper-active pony and prohibited from pretending to be a mermaid in the deep blue sea. I want to be a pirate with my friends on their boat today, I want to spend the day inappropriately canoodling with my lovah in a canoe.

Why work on Saturday?? Nobody should do anything on Saturday. It should be mandatory play day. Imagination day.

Friday, July 14, 2006


I hate forms of organised religion that try to pressure and sway people into their clan by disposing guilt and ultimatum upon them.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that read:

If you don't like him, the devil will always take you back.

Pardon me?????? I thought for a quick second that maybe it was someone trying to be facetious.......or sarcastic. But no, i look at the other stickers plastered on the car windows and bumper of the same vehicle and they were all busy promoting Jesus and the Great Lord, Our Saviour.

Are you really going to try and convince me into your beliefs by telling me that I can choose Jesus or Satan??? Um, please don't. That only makes me all the more dubious.

I have NOTHING against organized religion (for the most part) but I do not appreciate trying to be guilted or made to fear any higher power that way.

Is the whole idea of spirituality not to instill a sense of calm into our lives? To provide some sort of inner peace and remind us of unconditional love and equality for mankind? To allow us a sense of hope and strength when we cannot find it on earth in human form? We seek out this higher power for a place to lay down some form of faith we may have.
Don't tell me I'll suffer eternal damnation if I deny his "infinite everlasting love".

Irony? Mmm Hmm.

Those who believe because of fear, live in fear and that is NOT for me.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Realities Approaching

Ok. So the school in NY I have been trying to correspond with for the past 7 months of my life has finally let me know that they have received ALL my transcripts. This could mean my plan is actually going forward, which means I may be a permanent resident of NYC by January, which means I'm actually going, which means I'm leaving home again for a big city, which means I'm both scared and excited,.......none of which has set in yet.

Am I REALLY going?? Is this for REAL??? Will someone pinch me please? (Daddy Warbucks? Grace?.....i just couldn't help myself on that one)

I have to live with a roomate again and worry about bills and rent and making sure people don't kick beer bottles off my balcony when our parties get a little out of hand! SWEET VIRGINIA!!! How exciting it will be to be a grown-up again!!!!

How sad it will be to leave my lovah; my new bestest buddy, my love comrade. That being the scariest and most depressing of all.
I may be home sick; for sure,I will miss my parents, I will selfishly miss my security and comfort of life here, but most of all, I will mourn the severing of the union my lovah and I have created over the last year.

I want to stay with him. I don't want the 4oo or so miles of atlantic ocean to break our bond, it's just not fair!! I'm so sick of hearing everyone say, "What's meant to be, will be" because it doesn't always work that way. You have to work to save what you want sometimes, sacrifices and all.
Unfortunately, the one sacrifice I cannot make for anyone is remaining in Bermuda. I need to fly away for a few years and return when I feel ready and I'm not ready to settle here just yet. Right now, I have an agenda, and that's to be happy and fantastic as a brand spanking new, New Yorker.

I want to ask my lovah to come join me in this new title..........but something tells me I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I don't want to be far from him, I don't want him to be far from me. I want to stay cozy with him. I don't think I'll find another snuggle bunny quite like him.

Now my eyes are getting blurry...........why does this hurt so much already?

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Fuck! Fuck fuck fuckshitdamn! I have so much to say and very few ways of putting it into words.

I'm hurting. I'm so sensitive. yesterday I was desperate to embody the personality of someone better, someone stronger, less stubborn. I feel so inadequate that all I can do is compare myself to others. I bring so much unnecessary pain upon myself.....I let my imagination take the best of me and I start to believe my preposterous ideas as truth.

"My lovah is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He's thinking right now about how I don't add up to her. I'm going to think of my ex-boyfriend. I miss him..........I want to still be in love with him secretly so I can feel like I have something more."

Who does this?????? I'm recessing into the mind of a 10 year old.

My inner child (the one who wants to get what she wants) is still kicking inside me. Mini temper tantrums were going off inside me all last night. I couldn't sleep, my lovah and I were aggravating one another and I couldn't sleep. He wanted me to sleep so he could get to sleep.....I just kept tossing and turning and making grunting noises and sounds of heavy breathing.....just in case he didn't get the point that i was ANNOYED. He kept saying,

"Whatever it is, let it go"

How dare you dismiss my dismay as something of non-importance. UUGGGH!I really just want to scream and yell and get it all out. I know it will make me feel better, but as soon as I begin to raise my voice just a little tiny bit, he cuts me off and "SHHHHUUUSSHH's!" me! I hate being sssshhhhed!

"I hate it when you shut me up! I'm just trying to talk to you about something and you're always shushing me!!"

"Talk quieter. Stop raising your voice to me!"
Then he mutters under his breath, "I should have gone out"

"WELL!!! Then go out! You still have plenty of time" away little bird! Go play! Don't let me keep you cooped up here.

Then he says, "We should cuddle, it will make it all better. It will calm you down and make you feel good"

NO! "I don't want to cuddle! I'm mad at you!" i say

"Fine" he says as he turns his back.

Why does he have to make himself seem like the bigger person here! That's MY job!
He doesnt have air conditioning and I was so fucking hot and annoyed. He could have licked me where I bleed......or rather, where i was bleeding.

Maybe my menstruation is responsible for all this bullshit. Dancingantsinmypants is a fun, funny, sexy person with a lot of confidence. Where the fuck is she???!!!! Hormones please regulate yourselves. You're making me look bad.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Running out of Band-aids

I keep bumping into things!!! I keep cutting myself on sharp objects, stubbing my toes, tripping over rocks, and closing my fingers in doors. I even came close to falling off the treadmill tonight!! Who does that???! God forbid I should step foot into a dance class!

Where, oh where, has my spacial awareness gone??

Does this mean I'm pregnant?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Far apart but close together

After reading all the new blogs that you, my online companions, have created, I have come to the realisation that we are all soooooo similar. We all seem to have reached that awkward, confusing, overwhelmingly frustrated section of our 20s. We are not sure what we want, but we do know that we want it all.

We all have courage, we all have talent. We are incredibly creative and intelligent and we are desperate to use this in our quest for personal success. We are so brave (after all, we have chosen to pursue a realm of life that cannot survive without this kind of fortitude) and we are all so supportive of one another! Reading all of our posted comments is actually kind of funny because there is so much love and respect coming through that it sometimes borders a hallmark quality. I love it!

We all have fears. We fear that we will not accomplish what we want in time, that our unemployment will set us back for years to come. But we have sooooo much time! We are lucky that we've been given this time to learn more about ourselves and to make these mistakes, these decisions, these spur-of-the-moment plans, these moves to different cities. We have time on our hands right now and we are thinking about life, contemplating our future, our relationships and in the meantime blogging about it. We may be broke but we are surviving and experiencing ourselves.

We are special. In the style of bedroom prince, the yearning for greatness is universal.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

12 hours to go.....

I took all of last week off from work because I wanted to be sure I gave all my time to my Canadian visitor. As I said in the previous blog, it was a magnificent week and I got to do all those touristy things I haven't done in far too long. Vacationing in bermuda is great, even if you live here. NEway, with that said, i have to return to the dreaded caffeine community tomorrow morning at 6:30am. I'm so scared my misery is going to transcend to record heights and that I will lose my brain over some rude woman's triple cappuccino.

"This tastes more like a latte! I wanted a cappuccino!!" (someone actually said that once)

Hopefully, the music I chose to play will help me get through. It's amazing what a difference good music makes to my mood there.

It's not that i hate Bjork, but in semi-large doses her music causes intense irritation within me. It actually has the ability to make me angry when I am exposed to it for too long. I appreciate her music but after listening to a whole album and a half, I often feel like I'm slowy entering the demise of the universe in the year 2310. There is just something eerily futuristic about the way this icelandic lady choses to arrange her music. That said, i really do like some of her songs but when my admiring co-workers play too much of her, I get a little angsty and this may diffuse itself into my attitude as I provide this customer service.

Tomorrow I will play Ben Harper and Jack Johnson followed by a delicious dose of the Roots and Bob Dylan. Add some cheesy Hall and Oates and finish my mix with a light serving of Stevie Wonder and I should survive the morning semi-unscathed.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Being sexy is oh so sexy

I just had to drop my dear friend at the airport so she can board a flight back to Winnipeg. We had such a wonderful, active, laughter filled week and now it's gone, just like that.

I wish I could issue time a bit fat speeding ticket so it would slow the fuck down! where does it go??? Well, I guess the memories will gracefully endure for a long time to come. It really was a great time. I took her toa club on Friday night and she literally cleared the dance floor and had a dance off with this was priceless. The best part was, was that she kicked his ass.....even his friends were upset. It continues to humour me even now; I felt like a proud parent.

The only upside to life resuming as normal is that my lovah and i can finally sleep in this same bed again.....and well, you know what happens there. Ooooo, the anticipation is already killing me.

This picture was taken of us yesterday afternoon when we were displaying our sexiness all over the beach. My lovah is so sexy he even makes me feel sexy. And tonight we will put all that sexiness into action and guess what? It will be damn SEXY!