Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Now you see it, now you don't

Someone at my job stole my cell phone. I left it alone for 15 minutes in the staff lounge and it was gone. When we tried calling it, someone had switched it off. Sim card out, ready to sell.
Shitty, eh? I know this will make me sound awful but it wasn't any of the other trainers, it was someone from the maintenance staff. I hate that we know that, but we do. No trainer would steal another's phone. I know all of them, they're all cool and, as a trainer, you know how important a cell phone is. There are some sketchy guys in maintenance (they and the trainers are the ones using this lounge) and someone had their ipod stolen last week. we all have lockers and we make sure they are locked but i can't believe after leaving that phone on the counter for no more than 15 minutes someone had snatched it up.

I wanted to cry, but i didn't. If the worst thing that happened to me that day was that my cell phone was stolen, who am i to complain?

I think reading the kite runner has helped me be sure to put things into perspective when they look grim.

I bought another phone. I'm lucky I could.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Bi-Polar Pill?

Um, as u know, in the past i have blogged about being upset/hysterical/unstable/insecure yadda yadda yadda. These things have seemed to have an effect on my relationship with my lovah in the past, as you may recall. Well, a friend of mine brought to my attention a little while back that she had gone on the birth control pill i was on and took herself off because it made her crazy. Like super emotional and sensitive. Women are naturally like this, yes, but only to an extent. Anything beyond that is borderline crazy.

So, I have been on this pill for a couple of years and in the last year have taken note of how crazy i get right before my period or even intermittently througout my cycle. I mean like CRAZY. Mostly with my lovah. I get so sensitive, so insecure that I'm convinced he's turning on me, or maybe debating relations with other women. But then, AFTER i get my period, I'm back to my calm, carefree, understanding self. The one who doesn't read into every word her lovah says, or worse yet, doesn't say.

I went online to research this pill, for the first time in two years and EVERY woman is saying the same thing,

"This pill made me emotional. I had anxiety attacks, major mood-swings, depression"

One woman after the next, swearing this pill caused her to cry over every little thing. Made her take things out on the one she loves, made her so insecure she sought a therapist.

I know every woman is different and we all respond differently to these pills but I think it might be time to let my body run itself free of extra hormones. But I'm scared......what happens if I discover that my mood swings are even worse without the pill???? What if i prove myself a natural born crazy??
You wanna know what else is funny? I haven't been consistently taking part in theatre, in performance; i haven't been acting. I need that back in my life. It balances me out, I swear it does. What's a women to do but go crazy when she's not doing what she really loves?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Au contraire....

hahahaha, that last blog was nothing BUT descriptive.


I warn you ahead of time: as the title dictates, this will be a half-assed blog.
I'm just not in the mood to tell a lenghty anecdote or give descriptive details. I'm knackered.

Ok so.......

My job is going well; I have 2 tests tomorrow and if I pass them both, I will be cleared to finally train clients of my own. That excites me, not only because my current position as floor trainer is BORING, but i will also be making more mullah. And my survival in this city depends on that.

This city makes me happy. It's busy and the people, for the most part, are talkative and helpful. New Yorkers can also be mean with a serious case of potty-mouth syndrome. It makes me laugh. It's true what they say about this city, it makes you hard. The longer I'm here, the less shit I'm able to put up with. I can feel that turning point in my life around the bend..... The one were I am finally able to get to the point. You know, be straight with people. No more Mrs. Nice Guy.

I'm finally reading "the kite runner". It was a gift a while back and all this lack of social life has turned my nose back in the books. I'm thankful for that because this book is beautiful. It moves me and I can't put it down. One part in particular drew impossible tears from my dry, exhausted eyes on the train ride home this evening. I can't wait to get to bed and read more.

I saw "Pan's Labrynth" the other night. Also moving, but in a different way. A darker, lingering sort of effect. I recommend it, even if just for the writing.

I miss my mom and dad. I miss them like never before.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Impatiently Being Me

It's funny how when u move to a new place and start a new job...well, basically start a new life... you, obviously, have to make a whole new circle of friends. If it weren't for my brother and his girlfriend, I think I would have already turned into that crazy bag-lady on the subway who talks to herself. I actually don't remember a time where I didn't have friends. I mean friends in the same place as me; friends I can call and say 'lets see a movie' or 'let's grab a drink tonight'. 'Now'.

Even when I moved away from home for the very first time it was with one of my best friends. We were inseparable in Toronto and shared the same friends. Then I made my own, she made her own, etc etc. But here I am, with no one to call. I know these things take time.....I do. And in fact, I'd rather take my time getting to know people than jump into any relationships without knowing them well enough yet. It's weird....It's almost like dating. You meet people, you get to know their personality, sense of humour, likes, dislikes and you instinctly know if u want to spend time with them or not. I've met people at work who I've decided I like very much and others who are questionable. Some make me laugh and always make me smile. Some make me uncomfortable. Some have spoken of hanging out, made suggestions for future fun outtings and I wonder impatiently, "WHEN?!" I'm ready to have friends NOW. I'm tired of being overbearing with my lovah because I don't have friends of my own. I'm getting way too needy and that can be a tad(a lot) unhealthy. I need to loosen my grip on this dependancy I have with him so he can go about his business without me needing to know everything....without me getting carried away and questioning his every move on MSN messenger. It's ridiculous. I'M ridiculous. Basically, I think it's time I get a life.

Today was a good day at work though. I had fun with the trainers I work with and as we sat in the staff lounge talking and laughing, one of the guys looked at me and said, very randomly, "You're really pretty". Just like that. Very innocently. People don't tell me that!!? I was like, "who? me?" It was a shock, but very sweet and that silly boost of confidence actually got me through my day just brilliantly.

But at the end of every day, especially the ones that seem to be taking me full-speed, up a one-way street to Misery, USA.....I am thankful. I am lucky. For all that I have. For all that I have been given. When the engine runs low, I think of that and I push. Full-steam ahead.

(ok....i just turned this blog into a big plate of mac & cheese. my apologies.)