Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


Fuck! Fuck fuck fuckshitdamn! I have so much to say and very few ways of putting it into words.

I'm hurting. I'm so sensitive. yesterday I was desperate to embody the personality of someone better, someone stronger, less stubborn. I feel so inadequate that all I can do is compare myself to others. I bring so much unnecessary pain upon myself.....I let my imagination take the best of me and I start to believe my preposterous ideas as truth.

"My lovah is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. He's thinking right now about how I don't add up to her. I'm going to think of my ex-boyfriend. I miss him..........I want to still be in love with him secretly so I can feel like I have something more."

Who does this?????? I'm recessing into the mind of a 10 year old.

My inner child (the one who wants to get what she wants) is still kicking inside me. Mini temper tantrums were going off inside me all last night. I couldn't sleep, my lovah and I were aggravating one another and I couldn't sleep. He wanted me to sleep so he could get to sleep.....I just kept tossing and turning and making grunting noises and sounds of heavy breathing.....just in case he didn't get the point that i was ANNOYED. He kept saying,

"Whatever it is, let it go"

How dare you dismiss my dismay as something of non-importance. UUGGGH!I really just want to scream and yell and get it all out. I know it will make me feel better, but as soon as I begin to raise my voice just a little tiny bit, he cuts me off and "SHHHHUUUSSHH's!" me! I hate being sssshhhhed!

"I hate it when you shut me up! I'm just trying to talk to you about something and you're always shushing me!!"

"Talk quieter. Stop raising your voice to me!"
Then he mutters under his breath, "I should have gone out"

"WELL!!! Then go out! You still have plenty of time" away little bird! Go play! Don't let me keep you cooped up here.

Then he says, "We should cuddle, it will make it all better. It will calm you down and make you feel good"

NO! "I don't want to cuddle! I'm mad at you!" i say

"Fine" he says as he turns his back.

Why does he have to make himself seem like the bigger person here! That's MY job!
He doesnt have air conditioning and I was so fucking hot and annoyed. He could have licked me where I bleed......or rather, where i was bleeding.

Maybe my menstruation is responsible for all this bullshit. Dancingantsinmypants is a fun, funny, sexy person with a lot of confidence. Where the fuck is she???!!!! Hormones please regulate yourselves. You're making me look bad.


Blogger skinny-rabbit said...

Incidently, I am spotting today.

This reminded me of how Wanda used to tie Albert up to the bed post and then just when things were getting hot, she'd start screaming and step on his face.

5:27 PM  
Blogger Neenia said...

thank you for incorporating a reference to being licked where you bleed. isn't it so satisfying to say?? it's just as satisfying as saying fuck but more so because it's so disgusting.

stupid insecurities! they're so stupid! you're fabulous and these thoughts are normal. stupid fights with boyfriends suck. we love you, insecurities and all!

7:11 PM  
Blogger DancingAntsInMyPants said...

it really is a satisfying phrase, thank you, neenia, for introducing it to me!

skinny-rabbit, i'm peeing my antspants right now!

10:55 PM  
Blogger warriorprincesse said...

dude man, I hate bleeding! qu'est-ce que fuck is up with hormones trying to trick you into being someone you're not. But the thing is, everything you feel is still valid! I hate fights. I hate ex-girlfriends. I hate hot bedrooms. And I hate, I hate, I HATE PETER PAN!

12:22 PM  

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