Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

"Life" written and survived by ME.

Why has life been so difficult for me lately? It seems like everyday something gets in the way of my good mood and I'm brought down to this place of misery. No one likes to be despondent.....and I've never known myself to be this way. Maybe for a day or two but not for much longer. As I've bitched about before, my job does not even come close to pleasuring or satisfying me. I'm really ready for a change in that department. Moving out and having my own space to express my tastes would also be favourable to my survival as a jovial person.

I feel so I have no control over myself and my emotions......i just want to scream, i want to cry, I want to throw bricks through car windows but most of all, I just want to feel normal again.

What is normal???? Normal for me is that place of calm that I had when I was living in my own place, when I was hopeful about my future and my ability to make an impact. When I was surrounded by the necessary support. I need that belief, that hope, that faith, that trust in myself and that anticipation to continue on with my life long desires....making sure my dreams and aspirations are in the driver's seat, guiding this odyssey, while I keep filling the tank with gas to take me on my way.

It may be trite to think about your life as an unwritten book, but I find consolation in this. It's reassuring to remind yourself that you are the master of your own are the author of these unmarked pages. I'm 22 years old, for fuck's sake, the pages to come are mine to fill. That's exciting!!! That means I still have time to create my epic......and the non-fictional characters in it. Well, I don't create them, they make their impact whether their invited or not. Many people will pass through and influence me in someway.....each chapter, each year that goes by will reinforce growth. The writing will become more detailed, more mature. There will be more of a focus and appreciation for the simpler things in life. I will love and be loved..... It will be a romance novel, a drama, a mystery, but most of all there will be marked chapters of comedic absurdity and irony. After all, through every hardship, through every tragedy there arises a lesson to be learned. And from this lesson, we can find light. We can realize humour. I used to pride myself on having this great personality trait......"life may be hard but at least i can laugh about it. sometimes that's all you can do".

so why haven't i been laughing lately? Maybe I need to be more proactive about what I need in my life.

The important thing here is to put it all into persective, right?? Who am I on this planet to complain about having a job, a roof over my head and a family who loves me and will support me whatever I do? It's hard to think that way in such an opportune, fortunate society that has been created for us here in the western world, but it's always healthy to remember what matters most. And for me that's the people I love and helping those in need of it.

With that said, I think it's important to be true to yourself and pursue what you want out of life. Be true to other people. Don't ever lose your integrity and be aware of spreading good karma. Create a wave of it and let it travel behind you on your journey.....leave a trail of optimism.

Don't be like those people who fart in elevators and leave the remains behind for the next unfortunate soul to endure. That's just not good karma.


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