Confessions of a desperate actor with a bad case of island fever.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Spare endorphins, anyone?

I have really decided that I hate my job. I had come to that conclusion many many weeks ago but today was the worst. I want to give my notice so badly but i don't want to upset my boss and I don't want to be unemployed. Everything seemed to come caving in at around 4:30pm this afternoon; 2 and a half hours left to my shift and i just wanted to throw in the towel. There I am, standing at the sink, washing dishes in lemon-scented dawn and tears. Then a customer walks in. I take this as an insult. I'm insulted that they've bothered me, intruded on this one quiet moment i've found all day.
"How dare you!!" I want to scream
Instead, "Hi there....what can I get for you?" (my voice is on auto-pilot now)
"a triple, iced mocha with soy milk." (he doesn't say please. I've immediately decided i don't like him)
"Sure. Would you like that to go?" (please say yes. please leave me alone.)
"no, I'm gonna sit."
"Sure thing." (you big fat turd! How dare you?!)

yes. I cried at work today. Out of sheer frustration. I exposed my insecurities to men in expensive business suits buying triple espressos and biscotti. I served cups of peppermint tea through blurry eyes and I didn't even give a shit. I felt like these people should know they make me miserable. Of course, I'm the real source of the problem, but that's how I feel.
Usually, I feel uncomfortable being in such a state of fragility in public, but i felt like i was just floating through some surreal existence and it didn't matter. It's as if work really was a nightmare. You cry in nightmares but then you don't worry about it because you know it's just a dream. I know this job is only temporary, like a bad dream.
However, maybe it wasn't just the job that generated the breakdown. It was a combination of that, living at home and just being insecure. I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel unworthy, I feel frustrated, I feel discouraged, dispirited......but I know the real euphoric me is inside somewhere. Dripping with spirit and gaiety! Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!
I know I'm not a fucking half-witted, moron and I just wish these people wouldn't treat me like one.
I know I'm worth something, but I just don't know what right now.
I think my poor lovah thinks I'm boringly, bitter. Here we go, another addition to my insecurities........"I'm so insecure and depressed. why should he love me? he's going to leave me for someone happier" waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhwaaaaaaaaaaah!
Ok, so I know I'm overreacting but do u see the vicious cycle here??? I know my lovah loves me and I love him dearly. I'm glad he puts up with me. I'm glad everyone and anyone puts up with me. hey, that must mean I'm loved!!!! that must mean I'm worth something more.........



Blogger artsmonkey said...

you are worth a bajillion bucks baby! and don't let those asshole customers get you down... this will be yet another experience that you can add to your collection. i totally get the person-walking-in-store annoyance. make your fucking coffee at home beeotches!

8:13 PM  
Blogger DancingAntsInMyPants said...

even if they do make their coffee at home.....they come to us to buy their beans!
Grow your own beans at home...... and then roast them too, BEEOTCHES!

11:40 PM  
Blogger warriorprincesse said...

Oh man. You describe my emotions so perfectly! I think all of us who are working joe jobs that make us feel like shit should go on vacation together.

It's really hard not to care about work when you're there. I wish there was a way to turn off for 5 hours at a time, then it wouldn't affect us.

5:17 PM  

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