Keeping It Together

Um......why am I here again? Why am I working my butt off and spending all my time on one pursuit and getting paid nothing? What am I doing next?
So remember how my lovah was moving here in January? Well, now it's been brought to my attention that it's not, in fact, a definite plan. He's having a hard time figuring it out financially....I suppose I should have prepared myself for this possibility. How do you keep going when the future that once looked so clear has fogged up? I REALLY thought it was there, just waiting for us. I thought all we had to do was get to January and we would be in the clear. and then we would begin the real decision making; get to the core of all other details affecting our life and our future....while at the same time, getting started on this beautiful co-existence we've talked about. I am so scared now. I don't know what to do or how to go about talking to him. I'm so upset. But I know the possibility that he will get here is still there so it's really too early to lose hope. But we all hate looking forward to something and planning for something only to be disappointed. And this would end up being the biggest disappointment of my life, so far. And there's no protecting yourself from something like this. I just have to keep myself together. Keep going. Try to convince myself that nothing has changed and don't let the sadness set in until/if I hear the words, 'I'm not coming'.
He told me last night when we started arguing that I sound like I've turned into a 'city person'. That I 'was cold'. That hurt my feelings. That's not true. I'm sad. When I'm on the verge of tears I have to put up a wall. I have to back off. Hold it in. But we all know this is only a temporary solution. The dam did break and I lost myself over the edge.
Something in me is still aching and is trying to recover. When are they going to make Tylenol for Heart Ache? I suppose that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

I want to forget.

I choose to have a good day. The weather has already given me a push in the right direction. My mood must be parallel to the sun, warmth and blue sky. That is who I am.