Ugly thoughts, BE GONE!!!!

Ok.
Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. A relationship begins. They fall in love. This particular girl is blonde and very fair. Boy tells girl at beginning of relationship that he's not usually attracted to women who look like her. Blondes. He is attracted to darker skin, darker eyes, hair. Girl finds out he also has a specific attraction to women of a certain race. The physical characteristics of this race are very far from her own. At first she doesn't give it a second thought. She is beautiful in her own way and is comfortable with herself. She feels sexy. Confident.
THEN. Then the relationship gets deeper. Boy loves girl very much and girl knows this. Girl falls harder for boy.
HOWEVER.... inadequacies begin to surface. She begins to feel unattractive to him. Not always. And not too often. But she remembers those words. She compares herself to women he may prefer physically over her.
But she also realises this is CRAZY. And she buries those ridiculous thoughts. As quickly as she can.

But.

But.

But they always come back.

She wants them gone.

What basket do these eggs go in?

I went home for four days. I returned to this HOT, SWELTERING city yesterday and I cried. I felt like I was finally granting freedom to the tears of self-pity. Unnecessary tears maybe, but perhaps vital to preparing myself for the road ahead once more.
I loved being home. I loved being in the arms of my lovah, not having to work, seeing familiar faces and breathing fresh ocean air. I came back and felt like I was going to choke. My life here is not bad, it's just a lot of work and no play/pay. No creative outlets. I now realise why I've been baking so much here. I need to create SOMETHING.

I had a talk with my brother's girlfriend today and she helped me realise that I should allow room in my schedule for the creativity I'm seeking. yes, I write, I bake, I read. I let my imagination run wild but I need something even more practical and hands on. i need those classes I've been postponing. I need those people. Those people a little more like me. I need to be silly and weird and watch others do the same.

I don't want to keep focusing on this one career. What I need is right under my nose, I just need to make the time and do it.

PS I really miss my lovah. I thought leaving each time would get easier, but no. not at all. hurts just as much as the first time.

How not to be miserable

Ok unhappy fellow bloggers........this is what I think.

I think we're in that awkward stage of our 20's where we're feeling lost.... Wandering in a sea of people and jobs and career choices and bad credit and not getting the opportunities we think we deserve. yes? well maybe except for swiss miss.
but anyway, regardless, life is tough. it takes a toll on us. we get drunk and we see glimpses of happiness and dreams waiting to be fulfilled. we work hard and are underpaid and we have huge ambitions ye we seem to be lacking the knowledge and experience needed to really grab a hold of these ambitions.
maybe i'm wrong.
but what i DO know is, is that we must not feel sorry for ourselves. we must not get lost in this confusion and instability. it's so easy to do and then somewhere down the line we end up seeing therapists and popping zoloft and wellbutrin XL.
I will tell you what has happened to me. I decided that i would go into work everyday and have fun, laugh, be kind to people and SMILE. and you know what? When you exude those things you get those things returned, and it feels great. You know what people at work have said about me? I'm not tooting my own horn but everyone i work with loves me. they all say things like 'we all love you here. you come in with this beautiful energy and we're so happy you work here.' or 'i want to give you this client because he/she requested someone with a fun personality/character.' or as i'm walking by, being silly i hear, 'damn i love that chick'. these things make me feel GREAT and my mood only improves. because i know i'm awesome. i know that on the inside there is a beautiful person just waiting to be let out everyday. let yourself be perceived as the person you know you are inside, regardless of all the shit that's getting you down. until something truly awful happens to you, wash your morning uglies down with a delicious cup of coffee/tea/tasty treat of your choice and show the world who you are.

i've been doing it for weeks and the results are astounding.

Keeping It Together

Um......why am I here again? Why am I working my butt off and spending all my time on one pursuit and getting paid nothing? What am I doing next?
So remember how my lovah was moving here in January? Well, now it's been brought to my attention that it's not, in fact, a definite plan. He's having a hard time figuring it out financially....I suppose I should have prepared myself for this possibility. How do you keep going when the future that once looked so clear has fogged up? I REALLY thought it was there, just waiting for us. I thought all we had to do was get to January and we would be in the clear. and then we would begin the real decision making; get to the core of all other details affecting our life and our future....while at the same time, getting started on this beautiful co-existence we've talked about. I am so scared now. I don't know what to do or how to go about talking to him. I'm so upset. But I know the possibility that he will get here is still there so it's really too early to lose hope. But we all hate looking forward to something and planning for something only to be disappointed. And this would end up being the biggest disappointment of my life, so far. And there's no protecting yourself from something like this. I just have to keep myself together. Keep going. Try to convince myself that nothing has changed and don't let the sadness set in until/if I hear the words, 'I'm not coming'.
He told me last night when we started arguing that I sound like I've turned into a 'city person'. That I 'was cold'. That hurt my feelings. That's not true. I'm sad. When I'm on the verge of tears I have to put up a wall. I have to back off. Hold it in. But we all know this is only a temporary solution. The dam did break and I lost myself over the edge.
Something in me is still aching and is trying to recover. When are they going to make Tylenol for Heart Ache? I suppose that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

I want to forget.

I choose to have a good day. The weather has already given me a push in the right direction. My mood must be parallel to the sun, warmth and blue sky. That is who I am.

It's hump day

I'm not sure there's much to say. The Tribeca film festival has been in full swing for a week. That's neat since I work in Tribeca. It's fun. Some days they give out free popcorn on the street. Some days Freddie Prince Jr works out at the gym. he's cute. that's nice. I'm still poor. I want to see a movie. I want some money. I eat a lot here. I'm always hungry. I feel like I'm constantly moving all day long. Maybe that explains the hunger. Tomorrow is supposed to be my day off but instead, I'm working from 10-4. I'm getting tired. I have a cold/cough. 3 people at my job got fired this week. i took a great yoga class today.
I'm still happy. I intend to stay that way.