Here's what's new, Mr. Magoo........

NYC Update..........

I am officially broke! WHOO HOO!!! I had 100 dollars to last until my next paycheck which is next friday, the 4th, but now that is gone. now i do not have enough money for rent and will either a) have to ask my parents for money which i haven't done since my toronto days and DO NOT want to have to do again or b) hope that my brother has enough money to pay my portion of the rent until friday. yuck.

I hate not having money. but you know what??? I actually don't care that much. I'm in NYC and i have a job and i will make money soon. it takes way too much to stress about this. I'm too happy to be here to worry.

I went out with my work buds on thursday night to this little club in Greenwhich village and finally got my butt moving on a dance floor. that was a revival of the spirit. i needed that. i suffered through the next morning at work happily knowing that i had done the right thing by going out and socializing. It was actually awkward at first....you know, that first time going out with people you've just met. unsure of what it's like out of the work setting......but then once everyone had a couple drinks it was great. a much needed release.

on the way to the club that night a man in my subway car had a huge, live snake around his neck. i was far enough away that i knew this snake posed no risk to me but it was hilarious to see the faces of people around him when they noticed what it was that was poking it's head out of his jacket.
Everyday on the subway is an experience in itself.

OH! one of the lovely girls i work with, who also comes from a dance background, has given me a ticket to see the New York City ballet perform Romeo and Juliet with her tomorrow night. I am so psyched. it's going to be so romantic!! Just sitting in the Lincoln center is something to look forward to. i love that place.

I just love this city.

Solitaire is boring.

Ok so you know how before when I said i was enjoying my alone time and that it felt good?
Ya, Scratch that. Now that the weather is getting really, really nice I regret turning down plans with people for the last two weeks. This weekend has been lonely. Walking through SoHo and watching everyone and their mother on the street shopping, eating and drinking on crowded outdoor patios.... everyone laughing, buying up local art and summer clothing, walking hand in hand. Was I the ONLY one walking alone? I feel so isolated all of a sudden.

Today I made a point to make plans with people at work.....I WILL say yes when I'm asked to go out. No more being lazy. No more worrying about how long my commute home will be at the end of the night. Live a little. You're in New York City for goodness sake! I wish I had met up with Neenia today but i was so far from mid-town with laundry going and a dog to walk. Booooooooo! That makes me sad.

Now, of course, I would be ready to make plans now that I have 100 dollars to get me through 2 weeks. That depresses me but I'm determined to make it work and not get down about it by taking advantage of free NYC events. They're everywhere. Many people take advantage of these.

Maybe, I'm not alone....But I am.

Playing Solitaire

I love that I spend so much time on my own here. I hated it at first. But now I love it, I look forward to it. But not in a loner kind of way. In more of a contemplative, relaxing, nobody to please/impress/entertain, hear my own thoughts, kind of way.

I stayed home with a glass of wine and 'the last kiss' in the dvd player last night. The movie made me cry. The movie made me miss my lovah. The movie made me happy that my lovah is my lovah. The movie made me shed grateful tears. Again I realise, I am lucky; incredibly thankful.

I had a good night on my own last night. But it would have been a great night had my lovah been there. I do not like sleeping on my own.

I love being alone WITH my lovah.

The Perfect Fit

Something's changing. Something feels different. Maybe 'different' is the way it's meant to feel. Maybe 'different' is actually the REAL me. Maybe I'm getting to know myself better. I'm becoming more intuitive. Maybe being off that birth control pill has helped me fit back into my own skin again.

I like how this feels.

I clicked "New Post"

I clicked New Post with nothing in mind to write about......I clicked, I waited for the page to load...

new post, new post, new post....what should i blog about? it's been so long.....

Life is getting better. I don't have a real plan, who am i kidding? And for the first time in my life, that's ok. I have loose plans....loose goals, yet the drive increases. Loose plans and loose goals don't mean laziness or uncertainty, they just mean 'When the time is right'. And right now, the time is right to sit in what I'm doing, absorb it, learn more about it, meet people and continue on my way. Slowly but surely make my move into acting classes, auditions, workshops....but don't put that relentless pressure on myself like I'm known for. Just relax. Just appreciate. Just breathe. Really. I've underestimated the importance of my own breath.

I'm meeting more people, forging new friendships and going in to work most days makes me happy....Makes me feel connected and part of something I want to be part of. I'm working my way up from the bottom, learning everyday and I'm finally ok with taking it slow; Knowing that months from now I will have moved in a better place. And that years from now I will not look back and say why didn't i just take my time?

My parents are visiting now. It can be a nightmare but I love having them here. Yesterday was a Saturday and being in Times Square with two aging tourists was hard. not gonna lie. I despise times square. my mom took me to see 'the drowsy chaperone". that was cute but nowhere near inspiring. still a little shocked it won the Tony, but anyway.....

I'm reading a triumphant memoir right now about a man who got into a terrible car accident at age 13, lost both his father and sister and survived with his brother and mother but became paralysed from the chest down. he goes on to discover yoga in his later years and finally brings some sense of awareness back into his body and mind. he transforms his mind/body connection and eventually becomes a yoga teacher. he's amazing. it could easily fall into the depressing but it's moving and heroic and makes you think again about the gifts we have been given. I try to give myself a daily dose of perspective. It's essential for my survival in this city......world.

And that's my New Post.